KNOCKOUT

Chapter 19

"You know you're going to have to go inside eventually, right? If you don't think they'll start the service without you, you're wrong." Sterling walks up behind me, cradling Maggie to his chest. She's silently gazing at the world around her, unaware of how terrible and broken it really is; the worst thing to her right now is her milk either being too hot or not hot enough.

"If I don't go inside, can I just pretend it never happened?"

He walks in front of me, sitting down on the curb overlooking the large stretch of water, the lake high from the gloomy weather over the last few days.

"You can pretend," he says. "You could go your entire life pretending Holden is constantly right by your side, constantly holding you when you're sad, and constantly kissing you to make you laugh. I've spent a lot of time with you two in the past six months, and those are all things he planned on doing for the rest of his life."

I take a deep breath, swallowing the lump in my throat as I take a seat next to Sterling. Maggie has become fascinated by the grass, cooing at it as Sterling keeps his main focus on me.

"You could pretend all day long, but pretending won't make it a reality."

My hands move to smooth out my dress, acting on their own accord as if I truly care about my appearance right now. "It's not fair."

"Nothing in your life has been fair so far. You should be used to that by now."

"What am I supposed to do without him?" I ask.

"You do what you've always done. You get out of bed in the morning, you eat breakfast, you go to work, you train, and you figure it out. It won't always hurt this much." I move my gaze to the infant swaddled in his arms. The grass has become uninteresting and she looks between Sterling and I as if she's following our conversation.

"It'll always hurt."

"You're right," he says. "Because that's what love is supposed to be. You love somebody as much as you can, and when you can't anymore, it hurts more than anything you've ever known. But right now the pain is new. It's fresh. But it becomes bearable."

I feel the first tear run down my cheek and I quickly swipe it away. Sterling notices.

"I said yes to him, you know," I mutter. "He asked all the time, but I finally said yes."

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Sterling with a soft smile on his face, his blue eyes focused on me. "I know."

I stare at the ring, sharp and cold on the third finger of my left hand. Although I tried to take it off this morning, the nagging feeling of my subconscious wouldn't allow it. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to take it off, but today is not that day.

A few minutes of silence pass between us, the only sounds around us include Maggie's cooing and the birds chirping their own songs of sadness.

"I went to see Eli today," I whisper.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I nod before scooting closer to Sterling, resting my head on his shoulder. "His plan wasn't to shoot Holden. It was to shoot me."

"But he didn't," Sterling points out, turning to place a light kiss to the top of my head.

"No," I mumble. "But I wish he would've."

"Why?"

I'm happy Sterling didn't scold me or tell me everything I have to live for. If I shared this information with anybody else, they would've been appalled. Sterling's curiosity is comforting to me, always similar to my own.