The New Theater Teacher | Alan Rickman [Complete]

Why Is It Always Me?

Raven's POV:

~ Time Jump - Monday Morning ~

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock and groaned in protest. All weekend I've been crying myself to sleep, and It makes me feel pathetic. Ever since Amanda came Alan has been giving her his undivided attention. I could barely sit and eat with them because it hurt so much. That's why I stayed in my room the rest of the time. I sleepily made my way towards my bathroom and made myself presentable. I also changed the bandage on my wrist....I started cutting again, and I hate myself for it. I know I should just stop, but it takes away some of the pain I feel inside. I put on a black long sleeved t-shirt and some black jeans. I slipped on my shoes and a light jacket and headed downstairs with my backpack. I grabbed an apple out of the fridge and made myself a cup of coffee before I got in my car to leave. I thought it was odd that Alan wasn't up and getting ready as well. He's usually already up, but he could have left earlier as well. When I got to the college I headed straight to my first class, mostly because I was running a little behind my usual schedule. "Miss. Clarkson, please stay behind after class." Mr. Cumberbatch said after he dismissed the class. I waited until everyone hurried out of the classroom and walked up to his desk. He was wearing his usual suit, but today he was wearing a burgundy tie. "You wanted to speak to me professor?" I said in a questioning tone. "Are you feeling well? You you look peaky and you have dark circles under your eyes." He said with concern in his blue eyes. "I'm fine, I just didn't sleep too well." I replied. "Okay, but make sure you get something to eat and drink plenty of fluids." He said kindly. "I will. Have a good day Mr. Cumberbatch." I said with a smile. I then headed to art class where I still hadn't thought of an idea for my project, but at the end I decided to pain a fall time scene. For lunch I got myself a bag of plain chips and a water. I wasn't feeling really hungry, but when I'm sad I don't eat much anyway. I was sitting in the library working on my sketch for art class when I started thinking of Alan again. 'Go and see him if you're so worried about him. I'm sure he won't mind if you show up to his classroom.' I said to myself. I finished my sketch and packed my stuff up. When I reached his classroom door I saw a salmon colored sheet of paper. I knew exactly what that meant; his class was cancelled, which meant he didn't even come today. For some reason I felt hurt and betrayed in a way. He could have at least told me he wasn't coming today. I slowly turned around and headed towards my desktop publishing class. 'Maybe Mr. Tucci can cheer me up.' I thought to myself. "Okay class, if you finished your assignment for last class you can take this as a sort of study hall." Mr. Tucci said. I was personally glad, because I still had to do my American History homework. I finished my work and took out my personal sketchbook. After class I headed to work and made a decision to stay out as long as possible. I didn't feel like going home and seeing Alan with Amanda; it just hurt too much. "Hey, how are you today Raven?" My employer, Darcy asked. "I'm good. How are you?" I said after I sold a customer a few books. "I'm great. I just wanted to let you know that you can have off for the next few days. We're closing for maintenance, but when we open back up I'll have you here every day pretty much." She said. "That's fine, just call me with the days and stuff." I replied. "I will." She replied. She walked back into the office and finished my shift. It was around five o'clock when I stopped at Warner's to grab some lunch. It's a cozy little restaurant with the best chicken and dumplings....well..not as good as my mom's, but..yeah. My stomach was hurting due to me not eating, so I decided to get myself a decent meal. I ordered them along with a side of mac and cheese and green beans. As I ate my food and looked out of the window it started to rain, but I didn't mind. "How is everything honey?" The waitress asked me curiously. "Everything's great." I replied. I finished eating and got back into my car. I decided to go to the mall to kill time. I looked around for a while and bought a Skillet and Linkin Park CD. I also found a cool Marilyn Manson t-shirt. I said ended up heading home around eight o'clock, and hoped Alan wouldn't make a big deal about it. Besides, he didn't even tell me he wasn't going to the college today. I pulled into the driveway and used my key to get inside. I walked in and saw Alan and Amanda sitting cozy on the couch watching tv. I couldn't help but to feel sad seeing her with him, but I was happy for him. I just wished I actually had a chance with him..just the tiniest chance. I slowly walked upstairs and made it to my room. I took a long bath and changed into my pajamas. Deep down I didn't know if I was better off how I was, or if I was better off how I was before. I've hurt before, but nothing hurt this bad before. I laid down on my bed and turned on my stereo to listen to the CDs I got. After a while someone knocked on my door. I pulled my selves down over my arms so no one could see my scars and fresh cuts. I didn't want Alan to know I had been cutting again. "Come in." I said. The door opened and Alan sat down beside of me on my bed. "So, where were you? Why did you come home so late?" He asked curiously. "I went to work after class, I went out to eat, and then I headed to the mall." I replied. "You could have called and said you were going to come home later." He said. "You could have told me you weren't going to work today." I said in a colder tone than I was expecting. His face fell, and I could tell he was feeling guilty. "I'm sorry Raven. I just wanted to spend the day with Amanda, and I forgot to tell you." He said. "You've been giving her your undivided attention all weekend." I said in a whisper, but he still heard me. "Of course I have! I haven't seen her in a long time, and she's my girlfriend...I love her with all my heart." He said. I felt my heart break just a little more, and I had to fight back the tears in my eyes. I looked down and my fingers suddenly became the most interesting thing in the world. 'Why can't you see that I love you?' I asked in my head. I felt him gently stroke my cheek with his thumb, and he slowly lifted my head so he could see my face. "I'm sorry I yelled at you." He whispered as he pulled me into his arms. I nestled my head in his shoulder and wrapped my arms around him. 'I need you Alan.....I need you more than you know.' I thought. "It's okay." I said in a small voice. "No it's not." He said softly. He rubbed my back and played with my hair, which made me feel a little better. 'You need to tell him how you feel Raven. Even if it might ruin your friendship. You can't keep hurting inside like this.' My subconscious said. I knew it was right, but I wanted to wait until the moment was right. I'd wait until Amanda left, because I knew she eventually would. I know I'll never win his heart, and I think that hurts the most. I'm happy for them, I just hope she doesn't hurt him, no matter how much it hurts me to see them together.

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A/N: Thanks for reading, and remember to vote, comment, share, etc. :) <3