My Soul to Take boyxboy

How am I Coping? I'm not.

~You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

   You make me happy when skies are grey~

I looked around and took in my surroundings, I smelt the fresh air. I could feel Ashley's small hand in my own. I could taste the saltiness from the sea. I could hear Elliot running around after the dog trying to grab its tail and squealing when it jerked her forward, her little blonde curls bouncing around her head. It all seemed so real that I felt as if he emptiness in my stomach was gone.

"Carson honey get the camera! She is so adorable I need to take pictures," squealed Ash. She always loved photography. I dug into the bag beside me and handed her the camera not being able to take the smile of my face. I took another look around and saw my family. My cheeks ached from my permanent grin but I couldn't help it. Elliot came bounding towards her mummy as Ash took photo after photo.

"Daddy spin me in the air!," Elliot demanded, gladly I picked her off her feet and a lifted her high as she giggled and squealed, "daddy that tickles."

Ash continued with taking the pictures.

"Daddy wake up," Elliot said to me suddenly with her hand stuck in her mouth. I stopped spinning her around and placed her on my hip, she no longer looks carefree and happy but more vulnerable and lifeless.

"What do you mean sweetie? I am awake," I said as I continued to tickle her but this time she didn't respond. She just stared blankly at something behind me.

"Daddy I had a bad dream please wake up I'm scared," I realised that I didn't hear the clicks of the camera any more and I looked around to see what Ash was doing but I didn't get very far. She lay on the sand behind me as pale as paper. Her eyes were shut and she wasn't moving. My heart began to pound and I felt the pain all over as if it were that day again. As if it were happening all over again. "Daddy please!"

I awake with a jolt. Elliot was standing beside me, I could just about see half of her face above the bed her cheeks were streaked with tears. As were my own. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I had fully woken up ridding them of tears and and sweat.

"Elliot honey whats wrong? What happened?," I lifted her up up onto my knee and I lay back again the headboard for support as exhaustion overwhelmed me. I hadn't had a proper nights sleep in as long as I can remember. I turned the bedside lamp on.

"I had a bad dream," she whispered. Tears started to leak from her eyes again but she tried to wipe them away thinking that I wouldn't see them. It broke my heart to see her like this, to see her glazed eyes as she contemplates telling me what her nightmare was about. To seeing her dainty little hands tremble uncontrollably.

"What was it about wee Ellie?," I asked as I whipped her checks. Seeing her cry tore me apart inside.

"Mummy," was all she said as she buried her head into my chest and began sobbing. That one word was enough to make me freeze. This wasn't the first time she has had dreams about her mum and every time I don't know what to say to make her feel better. How can you make someone feel better about something that's tearing you apart yourself?

Elliot doesn't know what happened to her mum, she's too young to understand so we tell her that she was very sick and went on holiday for a little while and she doesn't ask questions...yet. She gets these dreams though, dreams about Ash but she won't talk about them. No matter how hard I have tried to get it out of her she keeps her lips sealed. Stubborn, just like her.

I played with her hair and rubbed her back for a little while until her breathing got slower and heavier. Just as I thought she'd gone to sleep she stirred.

"Daddy tell me about mummy," I barely heard her. "What did she look like? What was her voice like?"

I didn't even know where to start.