Flames

six

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

It felt like the word was surgically cemented in my brain, playing over and over again like a broken record.

My legs felt like fire as I took each step, but the word replying in my head kept me from feeling anything but sadness.

Yet all I wanted was to feel numb. I wanted to be numb so I couldn’t think properly, like my bones were arching, speaking, asking to know what their purpose was.

I didn’t want to know about those emotions that I felt, I wanted them gone, only to come back when Louis’ by my side, showing me the emotion of love, giving me a purpose to have. But, I’m not strong when I’m alone. I feel weak, my strength only appearing with him next to me, so I couldn’t find a purpose.

I ran out of the cafeteria like wildfire, careful not to show Louis that I was about to cry, but as I kept running away from the boy I loved and hated, I couldn’t help but feel small drops falling down my cheeks.

I needed to be in a safe place, away from them, away from him.

Finally, I was able to make it into the most deserted restroom in the school, on the third floor.

I got inside and ran down to a stall, closing the door with a big thud and landing on the cold floor.

I knew it sounded terribly lame and childish to run and hide inside a bathroom, but I just needed a place to be alone, a place away where I could easily hide all my emotions from everyone except myself.

I was so weak, like porcelain, ready to break at a mere touch.

I didn’t even know why I was crying about a word, but lately, I’ve been feeling helpless when it comes to Louis and all the memories and agitation he makes me remember and feel.

All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, and at the beginning, I was okay with him being happy, even if it meant getting so much shit from him in return.

Now, I don’t know if I can take it all. I’ve been so lost in my own world that all the things that had been happening with Louis were taking a toll on me. Something as simple as a word caused me physical pain, especially when the word came from him.

HIM.

Everything in my world revolved around him. Every feeling, every emotion, every physical motion, they all ended up referring to Louis in one-way or another.

Frowning at that thought, I hugged my knees and laid my head on them, letting the waterworks and low cries flow.

Eventually they stopped coming, and I was able to stand up, and I slowly made my way to the sink to wash my face.

As I was finishing up, I heard the door open, immediately making me stiff up that someone was inside. No one ever comes into this room, it’s built up dust and dirty appliances showing just how secluded it was. And for a split second, the idea of the person opening the door being Louis made me cringe in slight panic. I refused to let him see me in this condition of weakness, for I’ve been fighting for so long to keep it hidden, especially from him.

I tried and pretended to continue washing my face, peaking through my side to see whom the person was. I could see that the figure moved and looked more of a girl, so I was able to relax a bit, but I quickly went back to panicking when that same figure stopped right next to me, towering over my bent body.

“Need a towel?” I looked up to see a girl, except it was no ordinary girl, it was the same girl who sat by Louis’ side every day, and the girl who took my place in his life, Mia.