A/N: Trigger Warning! If you are not comfortable with self harm then don't read it.
Louis: They were old scarred remnants of a bitter past that marked your thighs in thin parallel lines. He never noticed on his own because you kept them hid; but, when the two of you got closer to taking the relationship to the next level you knew you had to show him. You didn’t want him finding out in the heat of the moment and being disgusted with you. “Louis,” you stated biting your lip in an attempt to bite back your nervousness. “There’s something I need to tell you.” At first he barely offered you a glace too engrossed in the game playing on TV. As the words processed along with your serious tone he quickly gave you his full attention. “What’s wrong, love?” The questioned was laced with worry and confusion. “I- Well-“, you faltered not knowing how to word it. Tears pricked at your eyes as heaviness settled in your chest; his concern grew as your face contorted in agony and you struggled to tell him what you had to say. “I just-“, again you cut yourself off fumbling with the hem of your flirty skirt, an intentional pick. Pinching the edge of the soft fabric between your fingers you slid it higher and higher up your thighs until your shame was exposed for him to see. A deep frown creased his handsome face and he didn’t understand. Why? Why would you ever? Why hadn’t he noticed? How? How could the beautiful girl he loved do this to herself? How could his always smiling, always happy girlfriend ever be so unhappy she would take a blade to her flesh? Wordlessly he reached out his hand rubbing across the perfectly straight blemishes that were permanently etched into your beautiful skin. He swallowed thickly willing himself not to cry. “Why?” He questioned lowly, sounding as broken as the skin of your legs. You dropped the hem allowing the skirt to fall back into place, swaying around your knees. “I just- everything was falling apart and I needed something,” you mumbled voice quivering in a pour attempt to explain. Two of his teeth sank into the pink flesh of his bottom lip as he met your gaze disappointment and pain filling his eyes to the brim. “I don’t anymore,” you quickly added. “I haven’t for a really long time.” Panic was settling in and you were terrified that he would leave you because of this. He grabbed your shaking hand as he stood up from the couch and pulled you tightly against his chest. “You’ll never do it again,” he stated. “That’s my promise to you- that as long as you’re with me I’ll make sure that you never have a reason to.” You choked on a mixture of a sob and sigh of relief. “I love you, scars and all.”
Harry: Tapping your index finger against the table you stared blankly at the wall before you, the pace of your repetitive movements quicken as the thoughts in your head sicken. Your mind turning as dark as the sky outside but there was no stars or moon to light the way inside your head. Heart race increasing: just once, just a little bit, just this last time, just to take the edge off- the endless excuses flow through your mind. You shook your jaw clanking your teeth roughly against each other in an attempt to soothe your urges. ‘You’re doing so well.’ You reminded yourself helplessly; before caving, ‘Just once more. No one will notice”. Looking around the kitchen you marveled at all the options. “Least noticeable,” you mumbled. Then the kettle on the stove whistled, the water was finally hot for your tea, however, your mind was no longer on pleasant thoughts such as tea. You pulled the kettle from the stove quickly walking to the sink. Deep breath, then another as your knuckles turned white while gripping the handle with unnecessary force. Closing your eyes, you placed your free arm over the sink, lifting the kettle hissing when the hot liquid burned your tender flesh. Then gasping as the metal object slipped from your grasp rattling against the floor when you caught sight of Harry standing at the threshold of the kitchen, wide-eyed and frozen. “No,” you cried. “It’s-“, you struggled to find an excuse, a reasonable explanation but there was none. “I’m sorry,” you choked out. Tears spilled down your cheeks partly because of the pain pulsing against your skin but mainly because of the scared look in Harry’s eyes. You crumbled to the floor feeling embarrassed of your actions. To your surprise, Harry was quick to comfort you, wrapping his strong arms around your shaking figure. “It’s going to be okay,” he promised against your hair voice trembling with tears. “It’s going to be okay,” he repeated, for your benefit and his. “I’ll fix it.” You hoped he could.
Liam: You set on the bathroom floor listening to the silence that surrounded you. The metallic blade that had been exactly like a friend to you lay discarded on the tile floor across from you along with drops of your blood; it was no longer a friend to you. You had promised that you quit, sworn that this bittersweet addiction no longer had a hold on you, but it did. You felt useless and used like discarded trash that no one could ever want- ever love. The dozens of new additions across you skin, they were proof you were broken beyond repair. You were not crying you noticed solemnly, normally there were tears: regret, remorse, sorrow. You realized you didn’t feel any of those this time- you did not feel anything. Even the sound of the door opening down stairs didn’t spark any emotion. The heavy steps echoing through the otherwise silent house did not faze you. Even when the bathroom door opened to reveal your loving-boyfriend, you still felt dead while breathing. He didn’t gasp in shock; there was no flash of surprise across his face, only the shine of disappointment in his eyes. After all this wasn’t the first time. “Oh, baby,” he cooed sadly with a soft sigh. He walked to you bending down to place a gently kiss against you forehead before inspecting the lines across your stomach and thighs. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” he murmured, taking note that none of the cuts looked deep enough to need medical attention. He stepped over you turning on the shower before helping you up and out of your soiled clothes. As you hissed at the stinging of the water washing over your tender skin, Liam silently swore this would be the last time realizing in that moment that as much as you needed him you needed someone professional two. He would be there every step of the way and do everything he could to help but he didn’t think he could handle walking in on you like this ever again.
Zayn: “So, how did it go today?” Being on the other side of the world he was growing increasingly concerned with how your appointments were going. “It was good, same as always. He still smells like peppermint and cat litter,” you joked with a laugh, remembering how that had been your main complaint in the beginning. “Are you still using the rubber bands?” You smiled, “No.” Zayn’s breath hitched; instantly worried, his mind reeling with ways to get back home to ensure your safety. “What do you mean no,” he questioned quickly. Your airy laugh filtering through the phone left him confused. “I’m still wearing them, just not using them,” you explained happily, proud of yourself and how far you had gotten. “Don’t do that to me,” he whined even though he had the biggest smile stretching across his face. “I was already booking a plane back to London.” You shook your head, “You worry too much babe. You don’t need to; I do all of the exercises Dr. Parker taught me. I take my medicine, everything’s fine”, you reminded him. “I know,” he murmured. “But you’re still going to worry about me,” you finished. He chuckled, “Yes I am. I love you and I’m never going to stop worrying about you.” A content sigh passed across your lips. Recovery, you had always wondered what it felt like. Back in “the dark days”, you had imagined it to be like a grand parade, this loud hallelujah but it was much simpler than that; it was peacefulness you could feel down to your core, a subtle happiness that never left- kind of like your new found smile. It was better than any grand parade, it was light conversations full of smiles with Zayn, and it was loving yourself.
