If I Save You

Chapter One-When I Saved You

I have never actually drowned in my life before, but honestly, I think I have mentally.

My thoughts are deeper than an ocean. They pull me down into deep, overwhelming waters, and never release me, even as I gasp out for air, even as my lungs fill with water, and what oxygen is left in my body spurts out in little bobbing bubbles that float to the surface.

I think this drowning thing is called depression, but I just like to call it drowning.

My name is Hallie Parker. I'm about to die.

As I pound up the apartment stairs to roof, I will my feet to move faster, even though they feel like they're made of lead. My thoughts are at war again. One part of my brain is calling me a pathetic coward for wanting to take my life over a 'dumb' mental disease, and the other part of my brain is egging me on, screaming at me to hurry up. And a small, quiet little part of my brain is telling me that I should wait. Go back downstairs, and wait for my brother, Callum, to come home, so we can talk about this.

I don't listen to that quiet part of my brain. The other two parts are much louder. Their voices are shrill and aching.

I'm almost at the top floor. Our apartment building is really big with twenty floors and all, so it'll take a while for me to actually get up there. Of course, there's always option of going up the elevator, but I have a strange fear of them, so that's not an option. Then again, I have strange fears for just about anything.

I finally reach the top floor. My heart is drumming rapidly against my chest, full of anticipation, fear, and the slightest bit of relief that knowing that it'll all soon be over. My head is pulsing, my palms are sweaty, and my legs aching.

I walk down the top floor hallway, which always smells like cats. Probably because everybody who lives on the top floor owns a cat or two. I smile, just a little, tiny smile, when I think of the happier times. When me and Callum were younger, he was nine, and I was seven, we would always sneak up to the top floor, and knock our little fists on Room 208. In that room lived a kind single Mom with a kid named Ethan, who was also seven, and three kittens that me and Callum were absolutely obsessed with. Ethan and those kittens must be much older than the last time we saw them.

I push open the EXIT door for the roof. For a second, I'm blinded by bright sunlight. I blink, and force myself to step out and onto the roof.

The roof up here is pretty plain. There's some picnic tables with the blue paint peeling and chipping off, if some family wants to come up here for a picnic. And, I've lived here for sixteen years, and not once have I ever seen anybody come up here for a picnic. So these tables have just been left to rot. Expect for the odd times when some teenagers would come up here and have a roof party. The party would quickly get killed by the management of the building, though.

I curl my trembling fingers into fists as I walk nearer and nearer to the little fence that surrounds the roof that prevents anybody from stumbling to their death, flying down to the street and crashing against the pavement. Which is exactly what I plan to do.

I'm at the fence now. I'm running my hands up and down it's cold, smooth surface.

Will it be quick? Will I die before I hit the ground?

I chew on the inside of my check as I glance down, tilting my neck to see the street. There's honking, speeding cars, blinking streetlights, and happy pedestrians chatting away, and people zooming around on bikes and skateboards.

I grip the fence. I have to do it now.

I stand on top of the fence, wobbling a little, but balancing. I realised that if one of my feet were to slightly lose balance, I'd fall down to the street.

I take a deep breath, and think about some people.

I think about the bullies at my school. I think about my alcoholic father who died four years ago. I think about Callum. He can be an ass sometimes, and super bossy and controlling, but he's there for me in ways I can't explain. I hope that he understands. I hope that he doesn't hate me for doing this.

Of course he's going to hate you! What kind of little sister kills herself?!

"Stop" I whisper, pleading.

You should just jump now. Nobody'll care, anyways, Hallie. Callum's out with his girlfriend. He won't be back until seven. He's probably not even thinking about you right now.

I take another deep breath. This one isn't so calm and steady. It's shaking and wobbling. My lungs feel like they're closing up, it feels like I can't breathe.

I steal another glance at the street, picturing myself plummeting to the ground. I close my eyes.

"Bye, Callum, bye everybody" I whisper to whoever's listening. I start leaning downwards, preparing to-

"STOP!"

I freeze. I almost catch myself off balance, my feet skidding a bit on the fence. My heart hammers even faster. It feels like it's going to burst from my chest.

"STOP, PLEASE!"

I hear the door leading to the roof swing open, and crash against the apartment wall. I hear somebody's feet smack against the ground. Somebody is racing towards me. Somebody is...coming to save me?

"What?" I whisper to myself. Maybe it's Callum. Maybe he came home early...saw that I wasn't home...but it doesn't sound like Callum...

The person reaches me, and places a firm, gripping hand on my shoulder. "Please don't die"

Hey! Thanks so much for reading! I hope you liked it <3. As always, I'll be posting updates frequently.