If I Save You

Chapter Twelve-Gasoline and Rain

"I'm done" Ethan sighs, and pushes the Scrabble board towards Ben, who groans.

"Don't give up!" Ben presses, pushing the board back to Ethan, the little wooden letters shaking on the plastic board. "Quitters never win!"

"Fine by me" Ethan grumbles in response.

I have a pounding headache that feels like somebody is slowly drilling through one of my temples. I have my cheek pressed against the cool train window, emptily watching trees and streets and people whiz by me in a unrecognizable blur.

"Hallie, what are you thinking about?" Ethan suddenly asks.

I raise my eyebrows, and lift my head from the window, and face Ethan's curious eyes. He hasn't spoken directly to me this whole train ride.

"Regrets" I tell him jokingly. "Like...regretting coming along to this trip"

"Ha-ha, hilarious" Ethan says sarcastically.

"Do you have any real regrets?" Ben asks quietly, his eyebrows furrowing together, his curly hair falling into his wide brown eyes. I'm surprised; Ben has never asked a serious question before.

"Well..." I start.

I have so many regrets that I'd probably turn 100 years old before I'd say them all. I regret not telling my mom that I loved her more often. I regret not being there for Callum as much as I wanted. I regret not standing up for myself.

But a particular memory floats into my head, and I straighten from my slouched position.

"This is going to sound stupid..." I say quietly, and chuckle at myself, shaking my head.

"No it won't" Ethan says firmly. "I'm sure of it"

"Well...it was about three years ago. I was at a bookstore, looking for this book I needed for school, and I saw this little girl. She looked about six. Had these cute little, shiny blonde pigtails. Her dad seemed in a hurry, and she wanted to look at all the picture books. He would...tug on her arm. Like, hard. Almost yanking her, with this irritated look on his face. And, after a while of tugging her, he lost it, and yelled at her, smacked her head with his tight, closed fist. I wanted to help her...but I just froze. It reminded me of myself, but my older brother Callum was always there to take most of my Dad's anger. This girl, she had nobody. I wanted to help her"

Our little tiny seat area grows silent, and the Scrabble board lays forgotten on our table.

Ethan swallows, and starts playing with his fingers, tapping them against his wrist. "Might as well say my regret. When I was a kid, my mom wanted me to talk to my dad over the phone. Once, on Christmas, when me and Mom were sitting in front of the tree, drinking hot chocolate with the cats, the phone rang, and I got up to go and answer it. It was actually him, talking to me from some random payphone on the street. I hadn't seen him in so long that I couldn't recognize his voice. He wanted to talk to me, but I hung up on him. Sometimes I wish that I didn't, that I listened to him and talked some things over"

"Don't feel sad" Ben says, as he picks up the small, wooden letter C, and tries to balance it on the tip of his parrot-like nose. "You dad sounds like a bag of trash"

"A bag of trash?" Ethan's lips slip a small smile.

"Yep" Ben says, his dark brown eyes going cross-eyed as he stares at the tip of his nose.

"I want to go outside and get some fresh air" Ethan stretches out his arms a little as he stands up. He looks over at me, and...I swear, my eyes must be playing tricks on me, because he looks at me almost longingly. "You want to come with?"

"Um..." should I? I'm about to politely refuse and just hang out with Ben until we get to our train stop, but then Ben drops the piece of wood from his nose, and nods at me eagerly.

I roll my eyes at him, and stand up and join Ethan.

The train we're on right now is the biggest one I've been on yet. It even has a little balcony people can go and stand on when they want to stretch their legs. Ethan holds the door open for me as I walk outside, and onto the balcony.

It's getting dark, the sun slowly slinking away, and the moon looks like a distant cloud. I stuff my hands into my pockets as I walk up to the railing.

The only thing I can hear is the loud, churning sound coming from the train, and the occasional owl hoot. Everything is so much stranger out here, not like my city back home. Everything smells like gasoline and rain.

"Hallie" Ethan suddenly whispers. I turn around to face him, and my heart stops when I see tears clinging to his icy blue eyes. "I'm scared out of my mind"

For a second, my heart stops. I've never seen Ethan cry before. He's very closed off, and never reveals much to anyone.

"Why?" my words barely leave my lips. I tilt my head at him. I want to run over and give me the biggest hug I can muster, but my feet are glued stuck to the balcony floor.

"I don't know what the hell I'm going to say to my dad. I need his money so bad for mom...but I'm scared he'll tell me to go away"

My hair billowing in the soft, cool wind, I pause, my mind frantically searching for the right thing to say. Maybe the cliche everything is going to be okay, or a funny thing like I'll make sure your dad will never be able to have kids again if he doesn't give you money to make him feel better, but nothing comes out. I just stand there, feeling like a horrible friend.

I walk over to him, and place my hand gently on my shoulder, and suddenly, the right words appear in front of my eyes. "Ethan. If you can get a girl to reconsider ending her life, you can do anything"

He wipes at his eyes, and sniffs. "I didn't save your life, Hallie. You did"

"Not true" I shake my head, my beady blue eyes meeting his. I can see my tiny reflection in his ice-blue irises. "I really would've jumped if you weren't there to stop me"

He looks away, towards the city that was speeding away from us.

"Hey" I suddenly say. "Why were you up on the roof anyways?"

I feel Ethan go stiff against my hand. "I...I'll tell you some other time"

"Let's go back inside" I tell him. "Ben's waiting for us"

"Nah" he says softly. "Why don't we wait until the stars go up? I've never been able to see them from where we lived"

"Sure" I reply, and together we both stare up at the darkening sky.

Hey! I'm so so sorry for not updating in so long! I've just had a lack of inspiration and of course, like fifty different exams this past month. I hope everybody is having a great day and I hope you like this chapter. Thanks so much for reading and voting, it means a lot! <3