it's exactly three in the morning and dan is pacing the bedroom floor, his hands stuffed into his pockets because he doesn't want to completely lose control and thrash his entire room. the light in his room is soft, bare, and so gentle that it might even crush under dan's shadow, that seems to follow him around the room for comfort.
phil is getting married tomorrow.
his hands fly out of his pockets and his fingers twist around his hair in a frustrated gesture, the pain nearly distracting him from the thoughts. his mind just can't stop going back in time, the time where it was all good and the time where it went downhill and the time where he and phil decided to just be friends.
his body sinks to the floor for the third time that night, his bottom lip caught painfully tight between his teeth, muffling the strangled sobs that were daring to escape his mouth. his chest was hurting, and it was not the small ticking pain that draws out after sometime. the pain was unbearable, his whole chest contracting and expanding in exaggerated motions and this giant lump in his throat that he tried to swallow but it just won't go down. not today anyway.
he gave up then, curling up on the soft patch of carpet and tilting his head down, as far as it would go, burying his chin in his chest and hoping the action would subtle the noises but it wasn't helping. tears dripped down his chin, travelling through flushed cheeks and getting caught between the lines next to his mouth and he could feel them hit his palms and he could taste them on his tongue and god, he just felt so pathetic.
his breathing was shallow, heavy, strained as if his lungs had just stopped working. his hands gave up, his fingers cramped from being into tight fists and he splayed them out on his lap, proceeding to bite his lip again and trying to take deep breaths through his nose, hiccupping all the way.
"dan? you okay?" this was the first time in weeks that phil was staying over at their apartment, and that was solely because he couldn't stay with his groom the night before their wedding.
"um," dan choked on his words, coughing a bit, his eyes widening. "y-yeah," he stuttered as he dragged the itchy material of his jumper across his face, hoping that phil does not bother him too much. he really does not want to see his face.
"you sure? i-i heard some sounds," phil bit his tongue, refraining from just twisting open the door and walking inside and holding dan until he felt better, because they both know phil had heard everything. maybe having paper thin walls in their house wasn't that great of a thing.
"no, yeah, i'm good, you should sleep," dan answered, raising his constantly wavering voice and phil just sighed resting his head against the door for a while before twisting the handle and walking in without warning.
dan's head automatically tilted back down as he heard the door bust open, he really didn't want phil to see him like this. he kept his gaze down at his hands, on his splayed fingers that wanted to curl back into fists, but that was until he felt phil sitting next to him, his pale hand travelling across to dan and his fingers slotting between dan's just like they were meant to be.
"you okay?" phil's voice was soft, extremely soft and dan could feel the tears pooling in his eyes yet again.
"um yeah, everything's fine, what, what could go wrong? it-it's your wedding tomorrow phil, you should sleep," dan stuttered, his lips settling into an unconvincing smile as he turned to look at phil just for a second before he regretted the decision.
phil looked so beautiful.
suddenly he was remembering their first kiss, how they were so clumsy and stupid and phil was laying on top of him because they were playing a stupid game of pillow fight. he was remembering how phil's fingers trailed up his cheek to brush his hair back and how he was just so lost in his blue eyes.
