emotions are expressed wildly from here, where dan stands, pink champagne swirling in glasses and smiles stretched across faces of the whole lester family. catherine's arm is intertwined with dan's, as if she's afraid he'll excuse himself again like he has done five times in the past twenty minutes, and when dan looks over at phil, he has a soft blush coating his cheeks as martyn ruffles his hair.
he watches quietly, his lips settled on the rim of his glass, barely sipping the fizzy liquid, as phil complains about his hair being messed up and pushes martyn playfully against his chest before setting his glass down and excusing himself from the table.
dan has half the mind to watch him go, just simply get up and leave as he fixes the sleeves of his tuxedo, but dan retains himself, focusing his attention on the pale blue flowers that are decorating the centre of the black table.
"he doesn't look nervous," martyn begins, his blonde hair pushed off his forehead as he leans over the table, a small smile on his face. "i'm happy for him,"
"yeah, i thought he'd be a nervous wreck but look at him! i think he really loves pj," catherine leans over dan's shoulder, slightly easing the discomfort of the conversation but not really, and dan can feel itch behind his eyes as if he just wants to get back to his room and cry.
there is a heavy silence in the air looming around dan.
it could be his ill efforts of trying to make a conversation or simply feeling out of place as he sits here between the people who he has sat with multiple times before, just not like this. not when all of them are happy and engaged into a random conversation, while dan passes an occasional smile, his otherwise sarcastic and humorous nature is somewhere lost between the unfamiliarity and the reality of the situation.
it's not like he doesn't like phil's family, because he does. there have been endless times when they've been on vacations together or on unplanned dinners, where dan would be squished between martyn and phil like their little brother, mr. and mrs. lester constantly patronising him. it was like he was a part of their small little world, where they took long car drives and played i-spy, where dan could simply push catherine inside the kitchen and ask her to make whatever he liked just because he was hungry.
today, he feels out of place.
he feels as if he doesn't belong here with them, he can't share their happiness and he can't physically be elated about phil's marriage no matter how hard he tries. it's a losing battle between his own emotions, where he's struggling to hold all the relations together when all of them are simply slipping apart.
he feels as if this is the second month of his and phil's break up, when he could feel themselves ripping apart, slowly, gradually and permanently. he knew that they would never be the same again, no longer their hugs would have the same meaning, nor the movies they watch together or the times when they try to unsuccessfully bake.
"what is taking phil so long?" martyn complains suddenly, snapping dan out of his thoughts and dan looks up from the table, half aware that he has missed whatever they had been talking about all this while.
"honey, could you go and check up on him?" it's a minute later dan realises that the question is directed towards him. he feels limp for a bare second, hoping that someone else would pipe up and take the responsibility, but then martyn raises his eyebrows in question at dan's paling face, so he quickly nods and excuses himself.
it was almost an hour ago when the younger boy was clutching desperately onto phil's shirt, the crisp white fabric crumpling quickly against his fists, and phil's breathing heavy in the crook of his neck. the closure of the situation, where both of them knew they wouldn't be seeing each other for quite some time, was heartbreaking and calming both at the same time.
