Ridiculous: Mattory

Epilogue: The Stories We Say

A/N: Sorry guys, I meant to have this up hours ago, but I came down with something yesterday afternoon and I've spent most of this morning checking my eyelids for holes... Doing a bit better now, let's hope it clears up by tomorrow.

And with each passing day, the stories we say draw us tighter into our addiction...

Matt

If there's one thing I've learned in two some-odd years of marriage, it's that sometimes, a quiet dinner with your wife beats out any extravagant thing you might plan.

I stand at the sink, washing lettuce, when said wife comes up from behind and wraps her arms around me. "Hello."

"Hello," I echo, turning my head to press a kiss to her temple.

Mallory peers over my shoulder. "Is that spinach I see?"

I look at her oddly. "No, Mal, it's just lettuce."

Suddenly she's pulling back and there's an intensely mischievous look on her face. "I see you have some spinach there."

Now that she's said the familiar words understanding clicks into the place, and the next line falls into place in my head even after this long. "Oh, yup. I love to put this stuff in my green shakes." I pause but she raises her brows at me and I can't help but continue. "I'm always looking for the best new thing for my body. You know I only eat all natural, whole grains, nothing processed, plant based food."

She laughs. "Me too. I take pride in it."

Even after all these years, I'm drawn back in time, and I might as well be standing on stage instead of in our kitchen. "So what are those greens you've got there?"

"Oh, it's kale," she says, grabbing a leaf of lettuce and waving it around. "It's a lot better for you than spinach, but it doesn't taste anywhere near as good, so I could see why maybe you couldn't handle it."

I still her hand with my own. "I could handle it." There's an empty bottle of water sitting by the sink and I pick it up as an impromptu prop. "I bet you've never tried this stuff. It's peel, pit, seed juice. It's made only from the peels, pits, and seeds of the fruit because—"

"Those are the most nutritious parts of fruit, I see," she interrupts, right on cue. She drops the lettuce back in the colander and continues on with the next line even if she has no prop to go with. "Well, I bet you've never tried this. It's dark chocolate that is so dark it's made from ten percent cacao."

"That, my dear," I say, wrapping an arm around her waist and dropping my voice, "is a terrible percent."

"And ninety percent the dirt the beans were grown in."

"You twisted witch," I murmur.

"It's so bitter that your taste buds physically reject it," she says, putting her hands on my chest. "I eat a square ever night after dinner even though my body's natural response is to regurgitate and burn it."

I press a little closer, whispering the next line right in her ear. "Well, have you tried tree bark milk? I pour it on everything I eat, even though it tastes like shame feels."

Mal pulls back and looks me in the eye. "Well sometimes I just go to the periodic table, and I pick an element, and I eat that element. Kay? You can't get more natural than that."

"Please," I say. "When I'm still hungry after dinner I just go outside and lick... my wife. I mean, a mountain."

She glares at me, just barely holding back laughter. "Sometimes, I just eat live worms straight from the ground. The live part is crucial because their souls prevent aging."

I nod along, as if this was perfectly normal. "You know, fear helps you metabolize faster, so I drink all my protein shakes in a pit full of snakes."

"Same reason I do lunges in graveyards," she counters. "Do you ever eat fish for the omega threes?"

"Of course, I drink eight glasses of fish oil a day."

"Well I cut out the middle man and just hook the fish right up to my veins," she says, but there's no fish on her arm, so instead she lifts her hand and runs her fingers through my hair. I turn and press my lips to her wrist.

While in the original sketch we got louder and angrier at this point, now our voices are dropping into something quieter and somehow, a little seductive. "I eat meat from depressed bears because their psychological issues are great for your skin."

"I catch birds in my jaws in mid-flight."

"I eat rocks from woodland streams."

"I eat barnacles of off expensive boats."

"I eat the southeastern winds."

"I swallow meteorites as they fall from the sky."

There's no angry yelling, but this kiss is just as intense and passionate as its long-ago predecessor. When we finally pull away, she touches the end of her nose to mine.

"I think we should make a trip to Whole Foods."