Perspective

Cora Kelley’s P.O.V:

          Sometimes I feel like I’m just not a good person. I know there are some things I just shouldn’t say, and some I just shouldn’t do, but he finds a way to make me be the worst version of myself possible. Before I met him, I didn’t think I could ever be like that. I always imagined myself being a laid-back type of girlfriend, or a good one at least. I knew I wasn’t, but I did try. And I did love him, although at the moment it sure didn’t feel like it.

          The phone rang. I answered, and then hung up just as quickly. I didn’t want to talk to him. If I did, who knew what other horrible things would come out of my mouth? I didn’t want to deal with the self-loathing that I knew I would feel if I even tried to communicate with him.

          For a second, I couldn’t even remember why I was so angry. I think it was because he had ignored me earlier today, and then didn’t even apologize for it. Or maybe it was just the fact that he could be so completely immature. It also could have been my doubt that he is really even in love with me at all. Maybe it was all three.

          The phone rang again. This time, thanks to my lack of willpower, I answered.

          “Hello?” I answered in an incredibly displeased tone.

          “Listen, Cora, I’m sorry. Can we just forget about all this?” Came Cameron’s voice on the other line. He sounded exhausted, annoyed and fed up. In that tone, his apology meant absolutely nothing.

          “The problem,” I began. “Is that you want to forget it so easily. We never solve anything that way. That’s why we keep on having these fights.”

          “No, we keep on having these fights because you never accept my apology. It’s not even a big deal.”

          “I think it is. And the fact that I think it’s a big deal should matter to you. You should care about the fact that something you did made me upset, you shouldn’t get all frustrated about it. If you had of just said sorry nicely in the first place, then we wouldn’t be having this problem.” I huffed, uncrossing my legs and lying down on my bed. I knew I shouldn’t have answered the phone.

          There was silence on the other line. I waited for a while, but he didn’t say anything. The only thing I could hear was the rain coming down on my roof in a steady beat, and Cameron’s breathing, unsteady, but still a beat of some sort.

          “Hello?” I whispered into the phone. It made me so upset that Cameron never had anything to say; meanwhile I tried so hard to explain everything so that it would make sense to him. It just enforced my theory that he didn’t care about me, or our relationship.

          “Yeah?” He sounded even more exasperated than before.

          “You didn’t say anything.” I knew I sounded mad, but didn’t care.

          “Oh.”

          “Brilliant response, it really meant a lot.” I snapped, annoyed with his lack of words.

          “Well I don’t know what you want me to say.”

          I sighed. “I don’t want you to say anything. You should already know what to say. If you really loved me, you would just know.” I knew the “if you really loved me” stuff was nonsensical and just a dumb thing to say in general, but I again found myself not caring.

          “I do love you, Cora, but I’m not good with, like, explaining my feelings and stuff.”

          I rolled my eyes. “Alright, then. I have to go. Bye.”

          “Don’t be like that,” Cameron groaned, adding to my fury.

          “Be like what?” I challenged.

          “Mean.” He answered.

          I flinched, “mean” was the last thing I wanted to be known as. It hurt to have him say I was. “Oh.” I replied, my tone sad. “Well, I do really have to go. Goodnight.”

          “Goodbye, Cora. I love you.”

          For some reason, his words hurt me. I had wanted him to ask for me to stay. But of course he wouldn’t. I mean, who would ask for someone who acted the way I did to stay?

          “Bye.” I said a final time, and hung up. I knew it would hurt him that I didn’t say “I love you” back, and it hurt me too, knowing that I didn’t want to.

          I sat up, brushing away the tears that had welled up in my eyes. It felt like when I was with Cameron, I was at my worst, and I knew that wasn’t a good way to be. But we had been together for over a year, and I felt strange when he wasn’t there. Giving him up would be impossible, even though I knew it was the right thing to do if I didn’t want to be so terrible. So, my choices were to do the impossible, or feel horrible. Not exactly the best situation.

          I grabbed my science binder off the floor, and opened it so I could briskly study for tomorrow’s quiz. Even though I was upset, I would never allow that to distract from my grades. I needed my grades to be flawless, so that way I could always be sure that at least one thing in my life was going perfectly. It may seem silly, but when I’m depressed, getting a hundred percent on a history test is a real pick-me-up.

          I looked outside my window at the rain, which only blackened my mood. I hated grey, and I hated wet. Well, I did find it kind of romantic when the rain was coming down so hard that it bounced off the pavement. But this was kind of a gross mid-drizzle, so I wasn’t at all a fan. However, it was the end of April, so I knew the showers would stop soon and I could get all the sunshine I wanted.

          I glanced at the clock, 11:11. I knew that if I wanted to make a wish, this would be a good time to do it. Not that any wishes made at this time had come true before. But what did I have to lose? Absolutely nothing.

          I wished on a perfect relationship. But since there was no such thing, I highly doubted it would come true.

          I continued sitting on the floor in my room, leaning against my bed, re-reading my science notes over and over again. I somehow managed to fall asleep in that position, although a thing like that had never happened to me before. It was like I had just let my monotonous yet exasperating life consume me in its perpetual boredom.

          That sounds awful, I know, and incredibly depressing. However, I am not a depressing person, or at least I hope not. It was just that single moment, that realization that I was currently bored of life. I didn’t like the feeling. I needed to make things exciting again. It was only a matter of how.