dedicated to @autheras because I absolutely love the way she plays with drama and plot twists.
time to end
- Tadashi -
We sit on the bench near the fountain and it's been hours since we have been seated here, it's almost close to dusk. She hasn't broken the silence. Suddenly, she gets up and jogs to the nearby ice cream truck and returns with two cones.
Again, she says nothing while offering me the cone with double scoops of chocolate ice-cream. I nod. I notice her checking her watch discreetly. I smile despite my mind being in a whirlwind of thoughts.
"I'll walk you home," I stand up.
"Finish your ice-cream first," she says. She doesn't ask questions but she sure is to boss me around. We eat up.
Walking down the way we came from now seems too long a way back home.
"Did I really make you run that far?" I ask guiltily shoving my hands in the pockets of my overcoat.
"I didn't mind. It was a nice . . . run," she says. I chuckle despite feeling like I couldn't smile.
And that's all we talk about till we reach her apartment. The sun has set and so is my mind on ending things that are toxic to me.
"You saw the girls back there, right?" I ask. She nods.
"One of them was . . . Ha-Haruhi," my voice breaks slightly.
Madiha gasps and her hands cover her mouth to muffle the sound. I don't want her to pity me or feel bad for me because if I am being honest with myself I saw this coming. Not the part where she would go off with a girl but that she would go. Away from me.
It still hurts, it hurts too much, but somehow, in a twisted way it is bearable and I know it shouldn't be. It's like I want to grieve, but I am feeling peaceful instead.
"I- I don't know what to say."
I sigh, looking away, trying my best to not let this girl think I might break down again. God, that was awful and embarrassing. She is too kind not to judge me and I don't deserve her friendship but I need it. If she begins to think that the one person she can fall back to in this chaotic city is not even strong enough to fall back on himself, she's going to feel lost again like that day on the bridge.
"You don't have to. She was my girlfriend for as long as I can remember and it would be living in denial if I said everything would be alright. Nothing is, neither am I, and I might sound like an absolute fuck boy but I think I was waiting for this. For an excuse to finally accept that she is not the same girl I once dreamed of spending my life with," I pour out the chaos in my mind, literally turning it upside down and letting these fragments of my thoughts fall out.
"Are you telling me-"
"No, I will not break up because I know as soon as I confront her she will dump me," I say. I don't how my male ego is handling this betrayal because for now the wound is still raw and I can't help but spill everything in front of Madiha.
Vulnerability does not give much space for ego to work its way.
"Alright . . . You know, maybe you can forgive her? Maybe she was just trying to experiment. It's only natural to make yourself sure of things if you are confused," Madiha says and I ponder over it. Maybe is uncertain, it is not definitive just like me and Haruhi.
"Even if it is, I know we are going nowhere. We were friends before we became a thing and I trusted her enough to wait until she told me things herself. But ever since college has started, I have only kept finding things about her out of the blue," I reveal.
I cannot forget all the turning points where her priorities and choices changed. They day I went to her college to surprise her but saw her smoking with a group of friends instead. After that everything just went down. Drinking at parties, drinking in her dorm room, hanging out with boys older to her and disappearing with her friends for trips to the outskirts of the city. I ignored and ignored some more because every time I asked her anything either she would deny or tell me to let her live her life as she wanted too. I am not against that but I cared for her and I think she was sick of me being there for her more than she actually needed. Or maybe she didn't need me at all. I was like the anchor holding back a ship for sailing to far away places.
"Are you sure you want to let go, Ta-da-shi?"
"I think so. You should head in now, it's getting late," I say. She nods.
"Let me know if you are going to see her tomorrow, I'll collect your assignment list from Professor Carter," Madiha offers and I smile internally. What did I do to get a friend like her, it's insane.
"Sure. I'll text you in the morning," I reply gravely. My throat feels like sandpaper.
She raises her right hand halfway and ways her signature awkward goodbye.
"Do what feels right and don't sleep on an empty stomach. That's a warning," she says as she is heading inside her building.
"I'll try!" are my last words before Madiha disappears behind the doors of the lift and I am left alone on the pavement.
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|| Time and Again ||
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Well, long time no see? I know. I am sorry. The second year of my college started and I have been caught up in completing my assignments on time. But I will try to take out time to write here as I really want to finish this book as well :)
