Tonight Is All There Is (The Maine).

Spinning in circles again.

There was something oddly interesting about the sky, which was the reason I somehow found it so appeasing. It seemed so small, you could almost think that once you left your country something else would take its place. Yet, it was so big that no matter where on earth, the same thing was observable. The moon and the stars in it were seen by people centuries ago, even though some had died since then and others had been created, it was still mostly the same vision. It made everything look so little and meaningless. I liked that it put us back into our places : we didn't control everything and perhaps it was just fine because not everything needed to have meaning. We were somehow living and thinking on a rond planet which still held everything to its surface and circled around the sun while spinning on itself, the moon turning around it, making the big holes filled with water -called seas by the people living on the planet- move along the coasts. How did any of that make sense? And I didn't say anything about the universe expanding, all galaxies pushing each other away.

   However, that night I couldn't feel appeased. Because the fact that this view cleared my head only made more room for existential matters. For instance, my very human life was useless. We didn't really have a purpose here, but I felt like I didn't even have a reason to be here, in this town, living the life I had while nobody understood that everybody was different in ways that couldn't always be explained.

"Hey lad, you're with us?" Jared said, making me jump in surprise. We were on a walk in some beautiful gardens which I didn't really look at because the colors in the sky fascinated me too much.

"Mmmmh," I said and nodded to let them know they should just keep going without asking me to take part in the discussion they were having.

"He's been acting weird since that party at Kelsey's last week," I heard Kennedy say.

"He was already weird there, I found him laying alone on a trampoline," Garrett whispered, only it was loud enough for me to hear.

    I almost said something sarcastic. Sometimes, words weren't necessary and in those moments, it was best to stay quiet. There were already too many people saying useless things.

    I didn't want to admit it, not to anybody and not to myself either, but something changed in me because of Kelsey's reaction to me being honest. I had lost a little more faith in humanity, in its ability to try and understand each other. And that resulted in me not making any more efforts to interact with anybody.

"He's always been weird, guys. Get over yourselves, he's just having 'one of those days' he has every once in a while." That was well summed up by Patrick, except that it had been 'one of those days' for almost a week then. But that was just a detail.

    That night, I found myself riding my bike in the woods with my guitar on my back, trying to find a spot away from all kinds of human idiocies. I played all my wonders away, just focusing on each string, on each sound that came out of the instrument, thinking that -for once- human beings had invented something not so bad. Of course, a bottle of beer was sitting beside me, good invention too.

    However, after playing that song without any title, my mind wandered. There wasn't any real point in anything and the absurdity of life made me wonder why we were all trying to stay alive, at all costs. It was great that science allowed people to live until they were past a hundred years old, but why did it matter so much to spend twenty more years on earth? What could you do to spend your time when you were retired -for a good reason because your body couldn't handle physical or mental work-? Why did we all act as if everything mattered?

    A French author said something that made me think a lot. Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee? Life didn't make sense, society was a poor excuse of hierarchy existing only to distance people from each other, and human beings thought far too much about taking their own life to end the hell their race created. We all considered ourselves so intelligent, but not one species except ours was ruining its environment, what kept it alive. We were considered social beings but were constantly pushing people away. We were wrong in too many ways to count.