Tonight Is All There Is (The Maine).

Drowning in the fear again.

    Life was hard when half of your body wasn't working right. I felt like I was completely useless, even if I wasn't particularly useful before. I could barely cook anything for myself and that made me too dependant on people. That was something I still had a hard time admitting.

"Don't tell me you have no rough outline for a melody, John! Your brain is made of music, man!" Garrett said.

"Give him a break, Gar. He only has one hand to work things around. It's not easy to try a melody on your guitar when you can't strum the strings," Kelsey reasoned. I mentally thanked her for that because if I'd had to say it, I would've yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, alright. No lyrics either? I'm pretty sure your vocal chords weren't damaged considering your skills for complaining."

"I do have this one line dedicated to you : my friend's an ass, yeah he's got no class, but don't worry, no, because he's not aware of his stupidity." I said, my good hand tightening around the armchair. I heard Kelsey, Pat and Jared sneer but saw Kennedy shake his head.

"I can't wait until you take your casts off dammit," Garett sighed. I could only nod in agreement. "In three days, right? Are you sure they couldn't take them off if I drove you right now?"

"You're not even funny, man. Drop the act, we all know you find John way too sexy with those white things on!" Jared let out, which made everyone burst out laughing. Well except me.

    Eventually, all of my friends understood that I would be of no musical help for now and so they left me with Kelsey who was the one minding me for today. Her last day with me. My last real meals, too. I had never been a chef, neither had any of the guys. There was almost no hope left for me.

    The days were long, life felt long. I didn't know what to do of myself, I could barely drink anything useful because someone was always watching me. It was starting to drive me crazy. I didn't have any symptom such as shaky hands or fever, but I missed it far too much for it to be healthy. To the point where I just couldn't wait until my bones had completely healed so that, maybe, I'd be left by myself. Just like I'd always been.

   "Did you take all your pills today?" Kelsey shouted from the kitchen.

   I had been sitting on the couch for almost two hours, not saying anything while she busied herself with random things in the house. In my opinion, when there was no need to do something, it wasn't worth spending energy on.

    I got up and slowly walked towards her. I was allowed to put my cast foot on the ground, which made things a little bit easier. Crutches definitely weren't my thing. Well, nothing had been my thing lately.

"You very well know I did," I whispered. I had let my pride aside a long time ago. Kennedy had used all his energy to try and convince me that I needed to take antidepressants along with painkillers. I had given in just to please him, thing that I knew wasn't the right reason. "What's for lunch?"

"I thought maybe salmon crepes? I don't know, what do you want to eat?"

    I'd been prey to contradictory feelings lately and my nerves weren't as efficient as they normally were. That was why I was only going through basic emotions such as anger, sadness, joy or fear. And it was awful how I could go from one thing to its opposite in a matter of seconds. It got to the worst at night, when there was no one around, when I realised what a burden I'd become to everyone.

"John?"

"Yeah, sorry. I'm not even hungry, so..." I turned around, ready to slump on the couch. I was always tired and I hated that.

"Are you feeling alright today?" I didn't stop walking and I let myself fall onto the couch. I might have left my pride aside but I still had my dignity, which meant that I barely accepted to admit something was wrong. It was nothing new. However, Kelsey followed me. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, but I jumped in surprise when I felt a cold hand on my cheek, right on to the nasty scar I had.