Tonight Is All There Is (The Maine).

You gotta try to find a way to be alive.

    I'd been stuck in my state of panic for what seemed like hours when I suddenly felt something hold my body before I even could've seen or heard it. A flowery perfume found its way to my nose and it scared me to realise that my breathing was already starting to slow. A muffled voice made it to my ears.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that, John, I swear I didn't!" I tried to do something, anything, but I couldn't find the strength to move. Her grip on me was getting tighter.

   Her hands held my face as she kept on repeating that I had to look at her but it was like my eyes couldn't focus on anything. I wanted to see her face and see that she regretted, but my brain didn't allow me to.

"Calm down, John, please just calm down..." Her hands were pushing my hair out of my face, repeatedly. It was appeasing, even though each time one of her fingers touched my skin, it left a sensation of fire. Kelsey must have noticed that it affected me because she kept on doing it until I stopped hyperventilating, sometimes she'd wipe away the tears on my cheeks, but she mostly pushed my hair backwards.

   I was starting to see and hear normally again, my members got their strength back but I still had an awful pain in the chest. Lost cause.

    Kelsey pulled me to her, making me sit down on the couch, which I appreciated a lot. She was now holding my hands in hers, her thumbs tracing invisible circles on the back of my hands.

"Do you want me to call someone? Jared, maybe? Just nod or shake your head, John."

    I had no idea what I wanted. A part of me didn't want to stay alone with her but another part didn't want to show any of my friends my general state. I couldn't make up my mind, each one of my thoughts about the decision I had to make being interrupted by the sudden knowledge that the pain in my chest wasn't going away. I could feel myself starting to breathe faster again and that realisation caused my eyes to fill with tears again while all of my muscles were contracting.

   I could see Kelsey's lips move but the sound she was making didn't arrive to my ears. In fact, I couldn't hear anything except my heartbeat and my breathing.

**

"I think he's getting better. He hasn't had an episode for the past thirty minutes. Relax, you did everything you had to do to protect him..." I could hear Kennedy talk with Kelsey on the other side of my bedroom door. She was starting to cry and it triggered something in me. However, I couldn't totally understand what I felt.

"I didn't, and you know it Ken. How could I say to him that he was a..." Lost cause. "Lost cause? How? What kind of monster does that?" She was sobbing pathetically. Just like I was. I could imagine her eyes getting red. Just like mine had been for the past two hours.

Kennedy whispered something I didn't get.

"John still doesn't want to see me, does he?" Kelsey let out.

"It's not that he doesn't want to, he just has a panic attack every time you enter his room. You know what you should do? Go downstairs, have Pat make you a cup of coffee and rest on the couch. You've been under stress for too long."

   My eyes stared at the white wall in front of me as tears dried slowly. I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help myself. I heard that sometimes, when your mind wanted something but couldn't get it, your body was acting the way it needed to to have said thing. I was starting to think that maybe it was my case.

  No one came in my room for quite a long time. I hadn't moved since Kennedy had left, not even a turn of the head. I couldn't see the point in doing anything, to be honest. It always ended badly. Always.