"let's go, baby." james would say.
"mon coeur, we're almost late for transfiguration!" remus and sirius would roll their eyes. that was all the french he knew.
"you look good today, chella." he only said this one around lily.
and so it went. james potter would pretend he was in love with me to make lily jealous, and i would pretend that sirius was straight. nobody had told james yet, much to my surprise. i figured that he would be accepting enough once they spilled the beans, but clearly, it wasn't that time yet. i didn't really know why i was still pretending that i liked james. was it just to help him? did i still think i would make sirius jealous? clearly, that wouldn't work out. more than that, i was surprised that james hadn't caught sirius and remus cuddling on a couch together, or doing things that made me gag just thinking about.
i still grappled with these questions as i sat next to james in potions. professor slughorn rattled off directions for a potion i was sure to get wrong, and james sat next to me, folding papers back and forth. he held up an oragami bird, and leaned in close to me.
"you think this will impress lily?" he tapped his wand on the bird, and it began to flap its paper wings before floating a few inches off the ground. i barely looked up from my blank piece of parchment.
"yeah, james. it's great." i scribbled down a random ingredient to the potion, and james frowned. i looked up, and my eyes met sirius's. he smiled at me brightly. i tried a small smile back. james noticed the exchange, and wrapped his arms around me, giving me a small kiss on the cheek.
heat rose to the spot, which only furthered my confusion.
"je t'aime," james said with a wink. sirius rolled his eyes, looking at remus.
"you pronounced it wrong, jamesy. it's je t'aime." i had almost forgotten that sirius was fluent in french. as if he wasn't already great enough. the two boys turned back to their work, but not before james shot me a small thumbs up. i couldn't help but look away. a feeling of guilt crawled up my throat. i wasn't sure what to do.
after a purple potion exploded all over my robes, resulting in the whole left side of the room to be dyed violet, i found lily lounging in the hall. she sat on a windowsill, and i waved.
"alice! come sit," she swung her legs around to one side, patting the seat next to her. she was truly one of my only girl friends. sure, there was dorcas and marlene, but they were often too busy with one another. lily always seemed to have time to listen to my stupid problems, and vice versa.
"i feel like i haven't spoken to you in a while," lily claimed, and i nodded shortly.
"it's been a lot, lately. we haven't really hung out alone in a while."
"yeah. we've both been busy, and i'm sure you're as nervous about graduation as i am and--" she stopped short. we both seemed to know what she was going to say. it was becoming more and more dangerous to be a muggleborn in the wizarding world recently. a group of students whom we had originally just thought of as bullies were now organizing, calling themselves death eaters. voldemort was sweeping across the united kingdom, and here we were, our biggest concerns being the gryffindor vs. ravenclaw quidditch match.
"and he-who-must-not-be-named." i finished. the air hung thickly around us, and i had to search my brain for something to say next. "we really should study together soon, or something. i feel like i've missed something in your life."
i had missed something. later that night, in the common room, i encountered james holding lily as she sobbed, an unopened letter clenched between her fingers. a twinge of jealousy pinged in my chest, and i approached the pair with furrowed eyebrows. "lils, what happened?"
lily could barely get her words out as she shoved the letter toward me. "she-- she sent it back." another sob wracked through her body, and i looked at the tear-stained envelope, hoping for a clue about who it was for.
petunia evans, it said in lily's nearly perfect handwriting. i put the letter in between us and intertwined my fingers with lily's. she truly cared about petunia, and all that she had gotten in return was hatred and jealousy from her sister.
the jealousy in my chest turned to guilt as i looked at james, who was quietly listening to lily's cries. his shirt was becoming damp from her crying, and his glasses lay on the coffee table in front of us. he really cared about lily.
a pair of feet padded down the stairs, and we were soon joined on the couch by sirius. his hair was in a small bun, and he wore a weird sisters tank top. i missed being able to lay on this couch with him on rainy nights, cuddling and talking about our futures as if we were going to stay together forever. clearly, that didn't work out. i wanted james and lily to be able to do the same things, though.
