The Chaotic Interim (boyxboy)

Chapter 21

The next morning Carson rolled over and felt Josiah’s arms were still wrapped around him. The brunet slid his eyes open sleepily and saw that Josiah was already awake and looking right back at him. Those sage eyes looked tired and troubled. Carson wanted to frown, but when the memories of the previous night came back to him, all he could do was smile.

Not wanting to lose the moment--after all, he had been waiting years for this to finally happen--he closed his eyes to Josiah’s expression and pressed his face into the older boy’s fabric-covered chest. Carson had to admit that he had been expecting Josiah to tighten his hold when Carson had snuggled closer, but nothing happened.

The silence didn’t go on for more than another half a second, and Carson didn’t even get a chance to form a frown before Josiah spoke. And when the words left his mouth, they sounded so detached and defeated that Carson thought for sure he could throw up on the spot because of them.

“I’m a cheater.”

Carson’s eyes snapped open and his vision was slightly blurry from being so close to Josiah’s t-shirt. The brunet could feel his eyelashes hit the white fabric every time he blinked.

“Don’t say that,” Carson mumbled.

Just as distant as before, Josiah said, “Why not? It’s true. I’m a betrayer. A deceiver. A double-crosser, traitor, two-timer, backstabber...Whatever you wanna call it, it means the same thing.” Josiah paused and his emotionless voice abruptly switched over into angrier territories. “I’m disgusting.”

Carson had to bite his lip to keep from screaming at his friend. It also helped to keep his looming tears at bay. Hearing everything Josiah was saying made everything good that had happened between them come crashing down. And the more selfish side of him was hurt that he was ultimately the reason Josiah was currently going through such a terrible bout of self-loathing.

What was worse, though, was that even though Carson absolutely despised how hard Josiah was being on himself, it was warranted to some degree. Yes, the darker boy had technically cheated on his girlfriend of over a year. But look at the circumstances they were in. How was it even possible to break up with someone who wasn’t even conscious enough to understand what was happening?

Plus, Carson was just as much to blame as Josiah. He had been the one to kiss the older boy. He had been the one to fuck it all up and start something much more than either of them should have been weaseling into in the first place. If you really looked at it, all Josiah had done was reveal his emotions. You couldn’t punish a man for something so innocuous as that.

It was Carson’s actions, on the other hand, that were much more incriminating, which made him feel completely awful about it. But it wasn’t like he could take it back, and he somehow found it easy to accept that. And he didn’t want to take it back, he realized, as harsh as that sounded.

“You’re not disgusting,” Carson finally managed to croak. “You’re just human. We both are.”

Still seething a little, Josiah said, “Don’t you dare try to excuse what I did. And do not compare us. You’re so much better than I am.”

Carson pulled back from Josiah’s chest and noticed that the movement met absolutely no resistance from the older boy’s slackened arms. With a little flare of irritation, the brunet said, “You don’t need to beat yourself up about it, though! For fuck’s sake, anything you blame on yourself you have to blame on me as well. I made the moves, I forced it. It’s my fault and we both know it.”

“But I have a girlfriend,” Josiah argued incessantly. “And she’s laying in a goddamn hospital bed in a coma that she might never get out of. How fucking heartless does that make me? How cruel, insensitive, and repulsive does that make me?”