Dark Wave

Chapter 7

The flames kept my body heated. And in the warmth, there I stood, just still, staring, being. Soaking up the grief and angst, the dilemma that battled in my head; a cold and brutal war between heart and mind, hope and practicality, dream and reality.

Life and death.

The wood continued to burn. Mack continued to stumble over the rocks, the dark, crusted shell, a shell that was designed to protect, and to keep him safe... And I continued to stare, at the nothingness that enveloped me, caressing me, encapsulating me in its glorious essence.

And the smell of death was everywhere! That stingy, disgusting smell that covered me, trapping me, forcing me to accept that this was what it looked like, that he was dead, and that this was the end of my search.

Stepping forward, I looked further, whatever image the upturned cart veiled was begining to clear in my mind. A foot, a leg... Oh God... Dad? Mack knelt next to the body, checking for a pulse. I looked at the face of the corpse, he was young, handsome, around Mack's age. I knew he was dead but... He's not dad! A smile spread across my face as I slid onto my knees to pull Mack up.

"It's not dad." I said with happiness lingering in my throat, "Come on, we need to find him!" I tugged on his arm, but he stayed rigid. 

"Mack...?" 

He looked up at me, his eyes glazed, a tear threatening to fall from his eye. I looked back at the body, then at Mack. The resemblance... The similarities, the angular jawline, the curled brown hair...

"Oh God, Mack. I'm so sorry."

~~~

I feel so fucking stupid. How the hell was I supposed to know it was his brother...? But oh my, the look on his face, the despair as I stood there smiling, happy, he was dying inside, holding back screams that teared at his throat. He didn't cry, never wept. I can't hug him... I... I can't, it doesn't feel right. I've bathed in the joy of another's death, knowing that it wasn't the one person I wanted to see alive. I've soaked in it. I feel dirty, I feel disgusting. And now, my mind a slave to never knowing whether he hates me as much as I hate myself too.

And then the flashback came. Tore at me, a hole in my heart ripped open, my protective barrier stripped. My mind was naked and vulnerable in the middle of the woods, in the fire and the ashes. 

~~~

"Mummy?" A small child called, looking up to her mother, her father holding her hand loosely. I stood behind them, looming over, tall and large, a spectator. A spectre.

"Yes honey?" She acknowledged, looking back and smiling as they continued to walk down the dirt path. 

"Where are we going? Will I ever get to see Lucy again?" Her voice was high, young and cute, but I knew it was filled with worry, of fear.

"You're going back to see Lucy. We're just going out of town so I can say goodbye." She smiled again. Her face was almost shadowed by my mind; who were these people?

"Where are you going?" She persisted, her father holding on tighter as the woman stopped suddenly, and turned to face them. 

"I have to go away, jelly bean, I'll be back. I promise." 

"But why? I want you to stay, mummy."  The woman knelt down softly and slowly, and beamed at her daughter. Taking her hands, she placed them to her heart.

That nickname... That voice...

"Do you know how much mummy loves you?" She asked. The little girl giggled, playing with her mother's hair.

"Mummy, don't be silly, you always say that you can't measure love. Because we're family. And family love eachother with all their hearts, even when they hate eachother. And family don't leave family behind. And you're my mummy, and you're my family."

  The words tore at her father. The first tear falling down his cheek. He looked away, at the houses behind them.

"That's right, jelly bean. Do you remember what mummy does, for her job?" The little girl beamed back.

"Mummy, your job is to go around all the countries of the world, and to keep people safe from harm. Because you're a kind person, and you're a loving person, and that's why I love you soooo much."

"Heyy, look at you, little squirt, how clever you are," She ruffled the small girl's short brown hair, "Well, I have to go away, for a long time, because I'm protecting all the countries in the world from a special little building in London."

"But mummy..." The girl took a step forward, dove into her mum's chest, but the tall woman took a step back. "I don't want you to go! Mummy please!"

"I know, darling." She took another step back. "Take care of him." She said, pointing at her husband, and then she turned, and began walking down the dirt path.

Wait... I know this.

"Mummy no! Mummy please don't leave me, please stay! Mummy, don't leave me behind!" She called. And she called. And she screamed and fought, and ran, her dad keeping her back, holding her.

She stood still now. Her hair in flurries over her face. A tiny voice edged out.

"Mummy..."

But her mummy didn't look back. She didn't wave. She just kept walking.

And then it dawned on me. Shot into my head like a bolt of electricity. 

That little girl shouting for her mummy is... Me. 

~~~

 Blurry and distorted, my sight came back to me. Then the ability to feel, move, and then I saw Mack standing over me.

"Haii." I said, totally casual, slightly slurred.

"Hi." He said back, taking my arm and pulling me up. "What happened?"

"Oh you know. Family stuff, all that jazz..." 

"Oh, aha. Great." His thumb went up, and he started strolling through the rest of the forest.

Well that was a change of atmosphere. One moment his brother's dead, the next we're strolling through the forest. Looking for ... My dad, yes that's right.

This flashback. It... It just came to me, un-prenounced, sharp and fast. And I fell. But why did it come to me now? Something that I had already experienced, something I don't want to remember. The entrails of my mind clinging on to the past, like a lion defending its prey. Such irony. 

But I need to look ahead, I think, to what must have become of my father. 

I do wonder, where could he be?

And that's when I heard the wolf cry.