Finding the Pure Note

The Lie Behind the Smile

Mum talked excitedly on the way there, reciting how the hospital had called to let her know dad was up and eating. In all other scenarios, it should have been perfect... But I just couldn't see it that way. I mean yeah, I wanted him healthy and smiling, but not if it meant he would look at me with eyes that weren't shining with pride.

Hunter was a different person entirely, acting like he was ten all over again. He couldn't stay still, fidgeting in his seat, and I know I can't hold it against him. Dude should be over the moon. Every day is a gift, but the fear comes first. I don't think we could survive that call. Mum's disconnected the home phone on particularly stressful days. And when it does ring... it's just telemarketers. Scams. The usual. Another day, another gift. Dad's breathing. He'll make it.

Not even two seconds after we parked, Hunter was bounding out the door, sprinting ahead before stopping, turning to us, impatience marking his eyes. Mum beamed at me and I returned it, but beneath that was a lie, and she knew it. Resting a hand on my shoulder, she fixed me with a look whose strength and dignity I can't return.

"Clay, honey. Please don't let this get to you. It'll be fine. Just take it slow and don't overload him with it all at once. Take it slow," she echoes, her fingers massaging my shoulder. "tell him about school, and when the time is right, you can get it all off your chest."

I want to argue, 'cause the truth is I'm nothing inside but a hurricane. No way dad doesn't lose all respect for me, and I can't stomach a world where each interaction with him is forever marked by a twinge in the corner of his lips, a dark look beneath his eyes. Hunter calls to us from the hospital entrance, irritation singing loud and clear, and I take a deep breath... and let it out. And then I take that next step. And another. It comes a little easier, the promise.

"Alright," mum laughs, her heels clacking on the wet gravel below. It wasn't seriously raining, just furious winds lapping at us, a few scattered drops here and there, but otherwise, the night wasn't too miserable.

At this point, we breeze on through to his room, and as mum gives a warning knock, I shudder, a chill running down my spine like an icy knife. The door swings back and Hunter rushes in, mum following suit. I hesitate in the doorway.

Hunter holds on to dad with the strength of a crab, refusing to let go even as mum pries at his arms. Eventually, he does relent, moping loudly, but then mum and dad smirk at each other, a warm kiss planted on their lips. Dad spots me in the doorway and he extends his grin.

"What's the matter, Clay?" he says in that casual, all too warm way of his. It was almost surreal; when was the last time I heard dad speak? "I don't look that miserable, surely...?"

"I... hey, dad. And no, you look, er, proper fit. I'm jealous."

My voice is small, a croak really. I laugh weakly and brush a lock of hair from my eyes. I hover on the spot until he beckons me over with his smile. As soon as I'm close, he grips me around the waist, pulling me into a hug which is actually kind of painful. Where does he get this strength...?

"I love you," he whispers in my ear. "Don't think that will ever change, no matter what." I freeze. Does he know...?

"I love you too," I respond, patting him on the back before pulling apart. Not surprisingly, the first thing that pops into my mind is to go in for another hug, but I need to know first.

"How's school?" he asks. "Killing it, I bet." He beams, proud eyes punching right through me.

"Uh... it's fine. I am killing it. Yeah," I gulp. "'course."

"Good. That's really good. And how about your music? It's been an age since I've heard you play. You must have songs pouring out the cracks. Bet some of 'em are halfway decent." He winks. "A shame you didn't bring the guitar; we could have played a few riffs together."