Black Roses | j.b

chapter fourteen

This chapter isn't as long as I wanted it to be, but I guess it'll have to do. This is kinda part two of the last chapter so you know!
I can make a part three if you want which will come up next Sunday?

It's your call!

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"You know what I wanna do today?" I say as I poke the pancake with the fork, not really that hungry anymore.

"Tell me." Jonathan says, looking at me with a smile. I look at him for several seconds before opening my mouth.

"I wanna visit my dad." I say without breaking the eye contact between us. Jonathan's smile slowly fades away and he gets this look of worry in his eyes as he gently lays the fork down.

"Okey. Sure we can do that." He says with a soft voice.

"I haven't visited him in a long time and... well, he hasn't met you yet." I say with a forced smile even though I feel good. It's just that every time I think of my dad I get this feeling of emptiness. Jonathan smiles a bit.

"Come on, let's go." He says as he takes my hand.

Last time I visited dad was before school started. To say I miss him is an understatement. Sometimes I can lie in bed a whole day just crying. I'm trying really hard to hold on to the few memories I've got left of him. They aren't much, but they're something.

Jonathan parks the car in the parking lots and as I open the door the cold hits me like a punch in the face. I pull my jacket closer to my body while wishing I would have brought a warmer one with me. I walk around the car with my eyes focused on the graveyard. Jonathan smiles at me as I close up to him, it's not the smile he usually makes as he looks at me. This one is more resolute. He lays his arm around my back as he pulls me into a hug.

"You sure you wanna do this?" He mumbles in my ear and I slightly nod. He still keeps his arm around my shoulder as he lets me go, and we start walking toward my fathers grave. My knees are shaking a bit, and every time I visit dad I cry like a baby even though  I try my best not to. I don't want to look weak in front of Jonathan, I hate looking weak in front of people because I'm not. I've been through shit and I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't need that. I need someone who understands me, who doesn't tell me that everything's gonna be alright and pity me. I need someone like Jonathan.

I kneel down beside my dads gravestone. It says Robert L. Bailey on it then the dates 2nd of July 1951- 5th of February 1987.

"Hi dad." I whisper. I lay my hand on the stone and it's so cold it feels like my hand will stick to it. I smile a bit though I feel how I'm starting to tear up.

"I-I can't really remember how it was before we... before... he got sick." I say as I stand up and turn around to Jonathan. He looks at me with a frown and I walk over to him.

"I just remember that... we were happy... and then- all of a sudden- we weren't." I say quietly. Jonathan pulls me closer and takes my hand in his. It's warm and I feel like I'm hurting him just my keeping my ice cold one in his.

"Life sucks." He says honestly and I look up at him. He hugs my hand while swallowing before opening his mouth.

"We just have to find something worth living for. And sometimes, one thing can be worth more than a thousand." He says while brushing his other hand over my cheek. Jonathan probably is the only person in my life who actually understands me, well except from mom.

"Why are you so... intelligent?" I mumble and he try not to smile by that compliment.

"Well, I guess I was born with it." He says and I smile at a beginning, but then I realize that this won't last forever. One day me and Jonathan won't be together anymore and just the thought of that makes me wanna die.

"I need you." I say with a short laugh which quickly turns into a frown. Jonathan nods, his eyes are narrowed at me as he pulls me closer.

"I'm here." He says and lays his hand on my head. The warmth from his chest makes me feel safe and sort of happy. He's here.