They said they were jealous of me for I am confident, fearless, a wanderer and a goalie type of person. I wasn't shocked and in the back of my mind says, "Who wouldnt like to be fearless?" I mean, being me sure is fun. Being me sure is exciting.
Yet
Being me is also tiring and very hurtful. And the hurt is not because of the actions that the people who surrounds me. Its the hurt you feel because of your own actions. Its the kind of hurt you feel where you can't comfort yourself because you yourself are hurt. Hurt with your own actions...
Being me means being lacking when everyone thinks Im something more. Being empty yet not feeling it. Yes, I am insensitive and yes, it bothers me not to feel. Not being able to realize the feeling of the others and always putting myself first. It bothers me. But. Also because of these flaws it also makes me feel confused and confident and smiling and, I just can't say sorry in a word. I feel everytime I say the word sorry its just overused. Its useless and I cant turn back time and redo my actions. I dont want to say sorry because it makes me feel that its enough, but in reality its not. I feel so down everytime Im alone while I reflect on my own mistakes. Its when Im alone or when the eyes of my friends seems to yell at me is when I feel the hurt. and its something I cant redo.
Its so fucking useless for me not to feel. Like this should be a fucking advantage and yet it only makes me selfish. I want to cry and yell all about my feelings but I can't. Im scared. Im scared that someone will know about my weaknesses and use them against me. Im scared of trusting too much and gregreting in the end. Im scared to be alone yet still strive not to be. So thats the person they call as fearless, the person they call rule-breaker, the person who they admire for confidence is scared to let anyone know that she is scared. I'm scared and filled with fear. Filled with fear that I might die anytime but the memories I have with other people are still so little enough for them to forget. I fear not making the best out of everyday for I believe , die is die, no second life, maybe reincarnation but you'll never remember your past life. Scared that I wont be able to grow, so I strive hard to be mature and at the same time, scared for losing the game, losing the fun, the child mind where everything is all simple and exciting.
As humans are according to my experience, they change in a flick of a second. They change. But that flick always begins with a box of matches and when the matches are too many until there is no room for the box to bare it will be thrown away and some will be used as a plaything until those flicks turns to a fire ans that fire is forcefully thrown away with the others creating a spark after another. A harmful flaming element.
And that moment when you feel like everything is perfect that person may feel like a joke and the worse part is that you dont feel it. You dont feel that something's wrong in that perfect moment. And when everything else shatters it just feels like a huge palm smashes on your entire face. And when that time comes, everything builds up. And it builds on higher because you dont know why. You don't feel why its changing. You didn't felt it and its too late before realize. You cant say sorry because your also too hurt . And its much more painful to think that you've done every chase and the moment that he will go away its your turn again to go to him. Like hell especially when you realize, that you don't even feel a single thought that runs through his mind and when you think about that its all your fault because you haven't felt it. You haven't felt his pain, that lonely side behind those arrogant words. You haven't felt it. You haven't helped it. Because you are insenstive and you can't even care unless he uttured literal words of his feelings. You can't care because you are insensitive.
I dont know if I should be thankful or not because I once wished and prayed for this. I prayed to not to feel anymore. Not to feel the dissapointment when I put someone down. Not to feel the pain of the consequence. Not to feel the bitterness and loneliness of rejection. But now, Im suffering of this wish. and still in the part of me, Im still grateful. Grateful that I dont feel too much yet its stll such a fucking burden to me.
