Bored AF

hng anxiety

for those of you who don't know

so like all of you

"hng" is a noise, it doesn't stand for anything or mean anything

it's just a... hnG.

like when you're in an awkward situation and you just HNG

like a hing but a hng

yea

sO UHM

I might be gay (bi) but I don't want to be

bUT WAIT LISTEN TO ME

like, I'm fine with other people being gay, I have zero issues with it.

but I, as in ME, don't wANT to be gay, you know?

I was doing fine being straight because I wouldn't have the problem coming out.

who comes out as straight?

not me!

I'm having a problem accepting who I am in the way I look as it is already, It's hard to accept yourself when you hate you so much, you know?

and now I have to accept these feelings but it's just..

beinG STRAIGHT IS SO EASY

if you're a guy, you like girls
if you're a girl, you like guys

buT

there are more options

and I don't want options

I want a strict "you're ____ and that's it" so I don't have to go through things like thiS

I like it the easy way

I like the no worries road

and hA coincidentally the day I really started thinking about this was Coming Out Day hnG

maybe hng can stand for hurry 'n groan

cuz you're making like a groan noise but not really it's weird

anYWAYs

I now understand when people say "I didn't choose to be gay, I just am"

buT IM NOT

I THINK

god why is this so hard why am I so scared

am I scared cuz I might go to hell?

I PRAY EVERYDAY
I AM CATHOLIC
I TALK TO GOD
BUT NOW I MIGHT BE GAY
AND IM SINNING
AND ITS TERRIFYING

look this is how I feel 24/7 for the past 2 days

so today and yesterday so far

when you're going on a roller coaster that you've never been on.
you're excited, your head is pounding with joy and your heart is racing with adrenaline because you're excited, right?
then you get to the drop of the roller coaster and your stomach does that thing
or you go through a loop

I feel like that right now and I felt like that for the past 48 hours (a little less than that because the day isn't over yet)

and it's not from excitement and it's not from goodie adrenaline

it's because I'm scared.
of what, I don't know.
the adrenaline of "who am I" and when the topic of relationships or LGBT+s come I start to tear up/cry

because

I'm not sure why

I'm scared. buT of what?
I don't want to be gay. because being straight was just so easy because it was decided for me

fucK if I wasn't gay at all then this wouldn't be a big deal UGH

hnG

damnit

ok wait

like... 4, maybe 3, years ago, (I was about 10 or 11) I thought "hm being gay is a thing? Maybe I'm gay" and then I thought "i don't look at my boobs a lot and I don't like seeing boobs, so I must not be gay"

BUT NOW IM 14, GOING ON 15 AND I KNOW ITS NOT ABOUT THE BOOBS

THIS MIGHT SOUND WEIRD BUT I PROMISE ITS NOT

I'm just so confused and conflicted that I want to cry and I need to vent it out

this is the section of the venting where you reassure me and tell me your stories about this situation- or anything similar or whatever because wow I'm feeling not the best

k thanks bye