Diary Of Us

November 7

If Tanner was still here, he'd be at college.

But he's not.

I try to visit his mom when I'm back home. Every now and then I'd feel guilty because it makes me think that I wasn't enough to stop him from leaving.

Today marks 3 months. I don't like how I keep track of that though. I have a book I made last month, and today was the first day I flip through it as a whole.

In it, I have all his handwritten quotes--all 89 or them. I have some pictures, and a letter he wrote me a while back.

The truth is, I never knew what he was thinking. Ever. It hurt me because I don't know what that means. Maybe he didn't even trust me with his feelings? Maybe he couldn't accept the love and help from people around him? To this day, I still do not know. I still don't know a lot of things.

I don't know the real reason why he approached me at the cafe the first time we met, or what he meant when he said he couldn't love me. I don't know why he couldn't let me help him. I don't know why he seemed so happy and then it was all gone so quickly. I don't know why he'd pretend to be happy in the first place when he obviously was not. Was it because of me? Did he think he could change me? I guess there's really no point in asking because he can't answer.

I really did love him though. It was a gradual love. But I think I'm done crying over this. I don't think he'd want me to do that.

Looking back at my past entries, I realized how much I wished I wrote more in here when I was with him. I wish I wrote more of the good moments too. Today I'm back home with my dad for the weekend. Tanner's mom dropped off some of his sketchbooks.

He drew me many times. He said if he drew me, then I'd have to write about him one day.

I think that day is here.