"He was... he was something else. I wouldn't really know how to explain John. Nor what he meant to me. It was like drowning yet it was like having the big breath after being underwater for so long. It was like finding yourself and losing yourself al...
Amas hand unconsciously squeezed my hand harder, and in that moment, I couldn't even feel the pain. The thumping in my chest was taking over, my guts were shrinking in size. And the knot inside my throat was getting bigger.
But the pain inside my heart? That was ten thousand times worst.
Closing my eyes I tried to block everything. I just want everything to stop. But they wouldn't, they didn't stop.
Please God, please God, please God, let her be okay, please.
The pain was eating me up, and I couldn't handle it anymore. It was like trying to catch a soccer ball, and instead of catching it, it hits you right in the gut. That sudden hit, the loss of air, that state of shock, and the oxygen that suddenly can't seem to get through your system. And the gasps. And your lungs expanding screaming for air, but there is no air. It was like that, but the difference is, your heart is physically hurting, and your emotions? Oh, those emotions that seem to be your worst enemies at the worst of times. It was like that, but being hit thousands of times in a row. And life, life doesn't seem to get the memo that you're dying.
How do people do this? Why do people even go through this? It doesn't make sense it doesn't . My heart was being squeezed, and I was suffocating. I was being hit again.
But you know what's the worst part? Being so weak. Being so fragile, and wanting to just break down and cry, but not being able to. Because you need to be strong. I need to be strong. For her. She needs me. Because God only knows what she's going through. Because when I think about my pain, mine, me the person who is healthy, I could only imagine hers.
And that breaks me. And I feel so useless. Useless because this is my fault to begin with, it's my fault and I could have helped her but I didn't. And she didn't deserve this she didn't. No one does.
Oh God, please.
"The cancer hasn't spread" Dr. Castanueva announced proudly, lips stretching, smiling down at Ama.
"Oh Gosh" I breath out in a sob, and in an instant, blood rushed through my hand where Ama had let go, almost the same way relief had rushed through my body.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you"I sobbed quietly.Oh gosh, She was okay.
The realization was settling in, and I couldn't help but be in a state of shock. I was expecting the worst, I was preparing for the worst. Why? Because that's the only thing that happens. The worst always happens. But now? Now she's okay. Oh gosh, she's okay.
