Is it worth it?
Why would I try if I don't even have my her support. She makes me feel absolutely worthless and she's supposed to be one of the biggest supporters in my life, so if I don't even have that, what do I have? She looks at me with such disappointment and hate that I've learned to hate me too. She calls me a bitch and tells me to go to hell. I'm only waiting for the day I do. Sometimes I hope that if I did commit I would go to hell, and she'd be happy. I always thought she'd be happy if I was gone because then I wouldn't be such a burden. I'm always that burden that she can't shake off and it's so apparent. I hate that I'm living like this. And there's no way to change it.
That's why it's not worth it. Because there isn't going to be change. There never will be. She always tells me when I'm 18 I'm moving out, and she keeps saying I won't get into college. It's like she cares but I can't meet her standards, so she's always upset. She wants me to be just as good as she is, and no matter how hard I try it's never going to be good enough.
She is so quick to assume everything is always my fault. I'm the first person she finds fault in, and I'm absolutely sick of it. And even if I truly didn't do anything I'll tell her that. I'll be like "but I didn't do anything" and she's so quick to say "that's exactly what you did wrong." It's never a win-win situation. It's 'angel you're always at fault'.
She can't be changed. No matter what. My therapist even thought it would be a good idea to go to family therapy because all I'd do in there is rant about her. She is a big reason as to why I started cutting. And it's not even that I started out cutting right away. From 6th grade my first instinct to get the pain away was to dig my nails into my skin until I started bleeding. After that I started using clips and then blades like it's just built up and I can't stop.
It's even gotten to a point where I wouldn't only like cut. I used to try and purge everyday and sometimes I'll purposely skip two meals because I'm unhappy with my body. Yeah I may look skinny but not to my liking. And I can't change the way I view myself. It's unhealthy, yeah?, but it's something I've grown used to.
So is it really worth it?
