i never promised you a rose garden » fillie

» chapter 5 «

f i n n ☁︎

I stared at Millie, but I couldn't help it. Why was she helping me? As she filmed one of her scenes with Gaten, she took a tentative bite of a cookie. Her eyes stayed focused on the table, only looking up when he talked.

"Cookie?" she questioned.

"Yes, cookies and pudding. You're gonna love this world," Gaten, acting as Dustin, exclaimed. "Food is an amazing thing. There's pasta and lasagna and pizza, cookies, chips, like who cares about appearance when there's food?"

"Eggos," Millie, or rather, Eleven murmured.

"I guess."

"And sugar...cinna-cinnamon."

"I prefer mine with chocolate."

"Chocolate?" Eleven asked.

"Oh my god," Dustin muttered, throwing his head on the table. "You have much to learn, young padawan." I nearly snorted at the Star Wars reference. That small thing lifted my mood slightly. The scene was over as the Duffer Brothers silently cut the video.

"Chocolate!" Millie shrieked. "This is part of the reason I love Stranger Things because food. Need I say more?"

"Food is everything," Gaten declared.

"Everything," Millie echoed, smiling widely. My lips slightly turned upwards at their antics. Millie was purposely doing this for a reaction. She never really acted wildly. Millie saw my faint smile and grinned.

I remember this one time when Millie told me that she didn't really like smiling. She said she was self-conscious of her teeth because they weren't straight, but she didn't have to worry about it. I always thought she looked fine. She smiled for her fans, for us but never for herself.

If she could try to help me with depression, I could help her learn to love herself.

"This is going into the blooper reel," Matt Duffer muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Actually, I think we may need to refilm this scene," Ross Duffer started.

"Oh my god, not again," Mille groaned, "no more eggos." Gaten snickered, taking a bite of a cookie. Millie peered at him, and he shrugged.

"Relax," Matt said. "The scene looks fine."

"Moving on," Ross interrupted. "Scene 2-01F, meet in the school." We continued to the next scene, preparing to shoot again. I glimpsed Millie sitting outside the scene, wrapping herself in her fuzzy jacket. It served as a reminder of how cold it was.

It also reminded me that today was a bad day. I wasn't sure which type of day it was. All I knew was that it was bad. I knew that I was angry at something. I didn't know what, but I didn't have a reason for it. Sometimes, one doesn't need a reason to be sad or angry. Sometimes, these things happen.

Matt nodded for us to begin. Caleb started talking, and from there, the cycle of act, pause, and re-film began.

During our scenes, I could see Millie casting glances towards me. She was waiting for me to break and make a mistake. I wasn't even sure if I could hold out for 9 more days.

Everything was a possible trigger for my anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts. Any little thing could trigger a chain reaction.

Millie sat next to me during lunch, grabbing my knife.

"Sorry, just need to borrow this," she said, regarding my stolen utensil.

"There are more utensils over there," I pointed out.