austin

v.

austin,

maybe you saw it. i don't really know what you can see from wherever you are. but anyways, lindsey smith decided to make a poster in art class that says something about how your death saved a life or something. and i guess mr. ledman got in some trouble for something he said in fourth hour. derek has that class and he said that mr. ledman told the class he was glad you were dead. but i have a hard time believing the things derek says after he told us he got a score of 106 on madden when his quarters were 5 minutes long. 

he doesn't even own madden and i'm pretty sure he didn't check his facts because i don't think a score of 106 is even possible in a football game. 

i'm starting to get sick of derek, if you can't tell. why did we start talking to him in the first place? i can't even remember. all i know is, he keeps asking me to give him money and he won't tell me why. i don't give him any. 

i found out that mr. ledman didn't say anything about being glad you were dead. it was something about how the finals were really difficult so, on the bright side, it's good that you missed them. i guess he's one of those guys who tries humor to fix a lot of situations. it doesn't always work and i think he's learned that lesson. 

they printed the paper today. your eulogy wasn't the greatest and my dad was a little upset about it. he burned the newspaper in the fireplace after cutting out your eulogy and then he gave it to me. "i'll get you a frame for it, son," he'd said, but i don't think he knows that i don't want to look at your awful eulogy all the time. and i don't think he knows that i think it's "distasteful" to hang a eulogy up as decoration. i hope you don't mind though because i don't want to hurt dad's feelings. 

mom keeps drinking tea and putting her hair in a ponytail and sleeping. she's slept a lot more than usual in the past week. 

i just realized that this is the seventh day you've been dead. the seventh day of a world without austin macke. i think it's definitely suffered, by the way. 

when they showed off that poster, cass got up and went to the vending machines, and then kylie went. i don't know why, but by instinct, i sort of just popped up and walked over with them. i really hope it didn't bother them that i was there, but i didn't do much while i was there, so i don't think there's a reason to. 

kylie's still really sad. she texts cass non-stop and she cries at some of the texts cass sends. i guess cass is a secretly poetic person and she says clever stuff about people after their death. 

she asked mom if she could have cass over this weekend and mom said yes, and then she asked if i wanted to have derek over. i said yes because i didn't want to be rude, but i'm seriously hoping derek cancels or gets melanoma and can't show up. 

i don't know why i've started to hate derek so much. i'm sorry if this disappoints you, but i think you know that i never really liked the guy all that much. 

anyways, mom said she'll drive all us kids to the bowling alley and we'll play a game as a family and have hot chocolate. mom insists that the bowling alley here has the best hot chocolate ever, but we all know they just buy swiss miss in bulk and mix it with whole milk they heat up in the breakroom microwave. i'm excited to go bowling because i remember how much fun we used to have when we bowled. i just hope i don't get sad. 

it's dark outside right now and i don't know if you know this or not but i love winter nights. this is because there's always christmas lights everywhere and when it snows the light reflects off the snow and it looks like a movie. i love it. 

mom made us hot chocolate and then went back  to sleep. it's only six o'clock but after dad ate dinner he went to bed with mom. mom didn't even eat first. 

kylie and i are supposed to go to bed no later than 10. mom woke up when dad came back to their room and made us two cups of hot chocolate and she added extra marshmallows. she always says marshmallows make anybody feel better, but you can't say that for people who don't eat pork products. 

in case you didn't know this, marshmallows are made with gelatin, which is a pork product. i know you didn't do too well in agriculture explorations. 

i love school days in december because everyone is getting gradually excited for winter break, but since you died everyone looks grey and it seems like there's a sort of bedsheet of sadness over everyone. that sounds so corny. it's true, though. 

kylie asked me if i minded watching christmas movies and i said no. now we're watching christmas with the kranks in hoodies and plaid pajama pants. it feels like christmas eve, which makes me mad, because it's not even close. i guess that isn't true. it is a little close. would you count 20 days as close?

kylie asked me what this notebook was for and i told her i was drawing. i don't know if she believed me or not, but in any case, i'm trying to make sure she never finds out what it really is. i don't think my sister is all that cold-hearted, but if she finds out and she tells anybody, everyone will think i'm a baby. 

kylie keeps asking me all these generic questions, probably for christmas present ideas, but she keeps mixing in random questions. our conversation's gone something like this:

"hey kyle, what's your favorite band?" 

"the script."

"how was your day?"

"it was alright. a little sad."

"what's your favorite cd by the script?"

"i like all of them."

"do you own any of them?"

"i own all of them."

then you could hear kylie grumble and say something under her breath.

"what's your favorite movie?"

"i don't know."

again, she'd grumble.

"favorite candy?"

"everything." 

"how have you been this week?"

"the same as you have."

it's been a little uncomfortable, but i like talking to kylie. she's really nice. a lot of people have awful siblings but i'm lucky. 

she told me she bought you a box of sweettarts for christmas but she could give them to me now, and i told her she should empty out the box and put the box at your headstone like people put flowers down. i remember how it was your favorite candy. she asked why empty it and i said it'd be a waste of a dollar to put a bunch of candy outside that nobody will eat. then she said "i bet some homeless person would steal it." so i said "a homeless person won't steal an empty box. keep the candy." 

kylie nodded and sniffled. she's basically always crying now. it's going to get old, but hopefully she stops before it does. 

when all that conversation stopped she went to make more hot chocolate. i think after i finish this last cup i'm going to bed. it's been a long day. people miss you. 

- kyle