austin

✈ epilogue

epilogue

✈

❝you cannot protect yourself

from sadness

without protecting yourself

from happiness.❞

 -- jonathan safran foer

✈

november 29, 2014

dear austin,

oh, goodness, i haven't written in so long. i just thought that since it's the third anniversary of your death, i should let you know what's happened. 

the first year of high school for us was really funny. we missed a good portion of it because of snow, but that's okay with me. we all wish you were there for the middle school graduation, but we know you were there in our hearts. 

we're going to graduate next year. i cannot believe kyle and i are still together, which makes kylie and i best friends still. i guess that's sort of predictable. it's kind of a shock to think that you won't be there at graduation. i can't get over that thought. 

baby austin said his first word — love — and we all thought it was perfect.

your mom got married last year. kyle and i both cried at the wedding and we both got made fun of, but it was really worth it. the guy is great — he's a graphic designer, and kyle told me you wanted to be a graphic designer. he helped your mom with the grieving process, which was the main reason i liked him. i know you would have loved him. 

mr. prefor has helped kyle a lot, since he wants to be a teacher when he's older. i still think i want to be a veterinarian. i love mr. prefor. he's been really sweet to kyle since you died. 

my dad decided that my mom and i should meet and give eachother a proper goodbye, so i told her i loved her, even though i didn't mean it. this was around two years ago, and we haven't spoken since, and i don't plan on speaking to her, ever again. i like the way i left things, i guess. i know i would have regretted it if i just left it the way i was planning on leaving it. 

kylie's dating a boy that moved here recently. josh. secretly, i wish you were here to act like a protective older brother for her, even though she has kyle. but kyle's just not the type of person to beat someone up if they hurt kylie. i know he'd give them hell, but he wouldn't get through to them much. i feel like you could do that. 

we made a really big painting back in 2011 (which feels like too long ago to be the year you died), and kylie took one corner, i took the other, and kyle took the last one. we decided to leave the other corner blank so you could do what you wanted with it. i've walked by the painting tons of times in kylie's house, and it always looks to me like there's something in the blank corner, but when i look again, there's nothing. it's kinda strange. 

tonight, i'm going with kyle, kylie, and josh to the park to watch the winter fireworks special, even though it's almost a month before winter actually starts. but trust me, the weather is cold enough to qualify as winter. 

i'm really excited. we've done this every year, but this is the first time we're bringing kylie and josh. usually we sit in the dugout. remember how the baseball field and the park are right next to eachother? if you sit in the right dugout, you get the best view of the firework display. kyle and i sit together under one big blanket, and sometimes we fall asleep because the show lasts all night. it's so much fun. i wish you could come, austin. i miss you so much. 

kyle's here to pick me up. 

thanks for listening. thanks for being so great while you were here, and i'm so sorry it ended too soon. but i do love you. 

love, cass