austin

xviii.

dear austin,

kyle told me that your mom moved to the city. it's good for her. i think living in this town is bad for anyone, let alone someone who lost everything they loved here. the city is a breath of fresh air. i like being in the city, although being in any given place makes me sad sometimes. 

it was really hard for kyle to watch her go. i'm not sure if it was because she was the last living, breathing piece of you he had his hands on, or maybe it was because she'd been a constant in his life for so long. maybe it was because he didn't want a stranger tromping through that house. i'm not sure. but no matter what it was, it makes sense. i would feel the same way. now she's not just a few steps away anymore — all the memories aren't within arms reach anymore. and that's really hard for anyone, no matter what the circumstances are. 

i feel horrible for him. 

dad took stephanie and i to the movies yesterday and i can't even remember the title of the movie we watched. i wasn't paying attention. 

kylie invited me to spend the night at her house, and dad and steph decided that i needed a break from everyone else for a while. and it's true. but that doesn't stop me from texting kyle and kylie both. i'm not sure what makes me do this. it's not hard to say "i need to take a break from being social for a while." they'd both understand completely and they'd both trust that i'd be back. i just feel like things are so fragile these days. i don't want to fuck anything else up for myself. 

i judged stephanie too quickly. she's really not as bad as i thought she was. i'm starting to think i want to call her mom, but i'm sort of unsure. i know she'd love it. 

mrs. delman called dad and told him i don't need to come back unless i feel like i need to come back. she said that during our most recent visit, which was forever ago, she made plans to call my mom every week and see how i was doing. since i meet her on mondays, she calls mom on fridays. and i guess mom told her i was okay now. part of me wonders if mom thinks i'm really fucked up and she's doing this to me as punishent, but the other part of me, the one i  really want to listen to, is telling me that mom really thinks i'm doing okay now. and i feel a lot better than i used to. before, it was like the days were grey and full of emptiness, and when i looked ahead, every day seemed like that. but now, i have my grey days, but i look ahead and i see yellow, and blue, and red, and green, and pink, and purple, and brown, and white, and every color imaginable. and it sort of scares me, but i'm also sort of excited. 

i know this letter is really short, but stephanie — no, mom — called me downstairs. she wants to do my nails. she does them perfectly. 

love, cass