austin

xix.

austin,

in the same way that things must be clearing up for your mom, things are clearing up around here too.

cass is at our house and we just got done painting on a gigantic canvas - me, her, and kylie - outside. we weren't not sure what we were painting, but we were just sort of feeling it out in our own seperate corners. i was sure it was weighing down on all our hearts that the empty corner is was the one you'd be painting. and you'd be flicking paint at kylie. and you'd be the one thanking my mom the most for bringing out the ice cold glasses of chocolate milk after a few hours had passed. and you'd be making fun of me for giving cass secret little glances and smiling like an idiot when she gave them back, and i wouldn't care.

but for now, instead of feeling sad about the fact that you're not here, we're all just glad that we got to experience you while you were, even if your time got cut short.

"so, hey," kylie said, putting her paintbrush down on the grass next to our canvas. "where are we putting this?"

"i don't need it," cass said. "i don't have the room."

kylie and i looked at eachother and remembered the big, blank wall next to the staircase and knew that it was perfect.

"and, uh," cass said, once we'd all decided to hang it up next to the stairs, "what are we going to do with..."

she gave the empty corner a quick glance, and then looked between me and my sister.

"we'll leave it blank. we all know he'd have his own completely unpredictable way of painting that corner," kylie said. "who knows what colors he'd even use? we could never even begin to guess what he'd do with it. so we'll leave it to him."

we all looked at it with the same looks in our eyes because we knew she was right.

cass started to cry and soon after was kylie. but i didn't. because i know that you'd want us to celebrate your unique sense of art, not be sad that we couldn't enjoy it. and i knew that you were sick of seeing us sad all the time. and i was sick of it too. i didn't blame you one bit.

so we finished painting until kylie's pinks and purples mixed with cass's greens and yellows and my reds and oranges. it looked really good. and the empty corner fit in perfectly. i loved it.

we left it to dry and now we're inside. it's much more liberating to write out in the open. it's easier, too. when you have to hide something that's a big corner of your life, you feel like you're always on the watch. i'm sure it's easier for cass, too, who has her notebook out on her lap as well.

she's so beautiful. i'm so lucky.

she told me that her stepmom is pregnant with a boy, and they decided to name him austin. i didn't say this out loud, but they're sort of setting that kid up for failure - no austin will ever be as good as austin macke, and that's just a fact. you really set the bar high. but i'm sure he'll be a great kid, because he's going to grow up around cass, and that could make anybody good.

i've decided that this will be my last letter. even though it's sort of a release for me, and it's a really good way to let everything out without having to say a word, i need to say an official goodbye sometime, and today is as good as ever. i mean, it's almost christmastime and there's no snow, no ice, and the sun is shining, and it's nice outside, and nobody's sad, and it's all okay. it's okay and i've missed the stability of the word "okay" so badly. "okay" is a great word. because when things are really bad, you tell people, "i'm okay." when you want to say yes, or when you want to say no but you should say yes, you say, "okay." when you're feeling good, you say, "i'm okay." and it's all just so okay today. i love it.

i didn't realize how close we are to christmas. i need to go shopping for everyone. what do you think cass would want? i'll have to ask her before she leaves tomorrow.

i just realized that tomorrow will be the start of the third week since you've been gone. that feels like a long time and a short amount of time all at once. it's kind of shocking to realize that you're actually gone forever. i wish it could be different. i know that it won't be, but it's kind of comforting to wish for things.

i know you're happy wherever you are. you were a pretty happy guy, considering what had happened to you. i'm really proud of you for sticking through it. if my dad had passed away, i'd be long gone by now.

i wonder if i would still be friends with derek if you were still here. i wonder if cass would be my girlfriend if you were still here. i'm not saying i'm glad you're gone, but i just feel like sometimes bad things have to happen before good things can happen. i know it's not really a fair trade - i lost my best friend forever, but hey, now i have a girlfriend - but i'm just trying to keep a positive outlook on things. i don't want to be sad anymore.

cass just put down her notebook and said, "that was a goodbye letter." some tears made their way out of her eyes and i gave her a small smile.

"mine is too," i said.

"good job," she said.

"you too. i'm really happy."

"me too," she said. she wiped her eyes and turned to kylie, probably to tell her the same news.

we're all going to the park now. i hope you're content with how things are down here. i hope you're comfortable wherever you are. i hope your mom finds someone and lives a good life and never loses anything again. i hope cass and i stay together for a while. i hope kylie finds someone nice to be with. i'm getting kind of off track. mainly, i just want to say an official goodbye.

oh, and thanks. if we would have never been friends, my life wouldn't be half as good as it is now. it's been great.

love, kyle

a/n: and that's all she wrote!! well, except for the epilogue. but anyways, did you guys enjoy it? please tell me what you thought in the comments. i love hearing from you!!

yeah, kyle finally said "love" instead of just using the hyphen. i thought it fit well.

in all honesty, i'm going to miss these characters. i'm gonna miss feeling the way i did when i turned myself into kyle, or when i turned myself into cass. i'm gonna miss this story. but hopefully you guys loved reading it as much as i loved writing it!!