Well this is my first diary. I think I'm gonna write in it when I feel real Anxiety-ish. I should start out with hi, I'm _ _ _ _ _ _. I have sorta depression and most definitely anxiety.
So..... today I looked in my grades and found that I had a C. Report cards come out tomorrow.
Why am I so stupid? Like how could I be stupid enough to get a C. Sure maybe I failed to mention that my C was an 84.88 but how could I be so stupid?!!? But I re loaded it and it turned out to be a B. I'm sooooo stupid.
Not to mention how ugly I am. How fat I am. I'm probably extremely annoying too!!! Like sometimes people just stop listening to me. They fade out. I get some I'm embarrassed right then and there, I just stop talking. I sink back into my chair and just think why did I even open my mouth.
The kid I sit next to in science, he laughed at me one time that happened. I got so Embarrassed I had an anxiety attack and had to ask the teacher to run to the bathroom. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I got there and started to drink out of the sink.
But I'm better at handling the attacks now. I have about 3 or 4 major ones a day, but I normally take deep breaths and count.
Im not okay. I keep telling everyone I'm fine. But I'm not. No one knows. I put on my best fake smile, I "laugh", I "smile", I "take a joke", but no one sees. I have only laughed, like actually laughed in the last month.... about 5 times.
I cry my self to sleep.
When I can't sleep, i think. I don't want to think.
I'm lucky I have a friend. Actually two. They knows I have anxiety, but they dont know I have depression.
One time (last week), I was at one of my best friends house, and her cousin was there. He's a year older than us, good looking, and popular. He took some selfies on my phone and I joked around saying, "wait till black mail Wednesday".
Wednesday rolls around. It's about 7 or 8 at night and I get a dm in Instagram. He says, 'didn't you say u where going to black mail me?'
Of course I did. But I'm not gonna say that. That's kinda weird. I seriously did think about black mailing him. But I realized, won't the others following me think I like him? Read the situation wrong? So I dm him back, saying I was joking. We talk for hours, talking about that night I actually met him. Talking about funny ways to put dead bodies, because we where when me and him got split up.
Buy the time I realize we actually where talking for hours, he says 'I gotta go to bed. This is one of the weirdest convos I've had with someone I just met this weekend.' But before I read the rest, I start to think. 'What if that means he doesn't want to talk?'
Then I finally read the rest. 'We should do it again. How 'bout tomorrow?" I practically scream in my head.
'Yah!' I send. He starts talking again.
'Night _ _ _ _ _ _'
'Night _ _ _ _ _ _' he responds.
Thursday comes by, and we dm.
'Am I to weird?' He asks me.
I practically die when he says that. Of course he isn't.
'Nooooooo' I say.
'Okay good' he replies. Friday we dm. Saturday he says,
'You know we could text rather than doing this, right?'
'You want my number than?' I respond hopefully being friendly.
'Sure' he says.
So today is Sunday night. I'm sitting on my bed, crying because I'm stupid. He's been texting me the whole time, oblivious to the whole thing.
Why is he being nice to me? Obviously he has seen me, talked to me, why is this? He's seriously popular, practically the whole time we where at the party, he was texting. Once it hit the 1 am all his friends he was texting went to sleep and then we where playing hide 'n seek, and me, him, and my best friends brother got sectioned off in the barn.
Her brother leaves and me and him are walking around the barn hiding from the lights. We finally get caught after so long. The whole time is was thinking, why Is he talking to me? How does he even stand me? What if he hates me? What if he thinks I'm annoying? What if he thinks I'm dumb? Obviously he does.
Later on, he ends up stealing my shoes and water, and I'm chasing him around the house trying to get them back, while my friend, another friend, and my friends brother are laughing at me.
After that we went to the basement and listened to spooky pastas. He was sitting next to me the whole time. My friend has a door in her basement that leads out side. You can see the barn through the window in the door. It has a light that always stays on.
Me and her cousin where talking about how the clowns where going to pop up and look at us threw the window. You glance somewhere and the light would catch your eye, you'd look and get scared that you would see a clown.
Where was I going with this? Oh yah. So we ended up sitting on the pole table in her basement and he was laying on the table right next to me. He grabbed my phone and took a whole bunch of photos. That's how the whole thing got started.
Anyways, why does he even talk to me??? How do I even have a best friend? No one likes me anyhow. I'm dumb, fat, stupid, ugly, ughhhhhh! Why?!?? Why?!??
I think I wrote enough for today. I'll talk to you guys later. Have bad dreams. Your all lovely and most likely way beautifuler than me.
- Anxity_chicken
