The Chance To Be Me

                                                                          BEEP BEEP BEEP

       I groan and clumsily reach over to turn off my alarm clock. Instead of turning it off I knock the clock off my night stand, causing only a loud BANG. I sighed loudly and climbed out of bed to get my clock and to turn it off. Finally the annoying beeping stopped and I stretched and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I still feel groggy though. I grabbed the cleanest smelling T-Shirt and jeans then walked over to my dresser and grabbed a pair of boxers, socks, and my chest binder. I walked over to the bathroom next to my room.

      I have my own bathroom upstairs near my bedroom. My mom has her own bathroom downstairs, next to her room. I get the upstairs to myself because there's only one bedroom up here and she doesn't really like going up and down stairs cause she sleep walks sometimes and that wouldn't end well. I never sleep walk though so it was safer then her having it. There was only one bedroom downstairs also so there's no guest room or any room for her to have other children, like she'd have anymore. She hasn't dated anyone since step dad beat me to the point I had to go to the hospital when I came out as Transgendered. She decided that she wants to be single now, especially since I'm now a Junior in high school and wont be needing her that much longer so she doesn't need to be spending a lot of money on me all the time.

   When I get to the bathroom I look at myself in the mirror, pointing out everything wrong with what I saw. Long girly eye lashes, no facial hair what-so-ever, no Adams apple, and worst of all... My breast. There just there... There not that big like a lot of girls, but there still there. I can't stand them, I wish I didn't have them. I like breast, yes, but not on me. I can't stand them. I just want to cut them off, but I want to look like a normal guy, and that wont look normal to have just two roundish scabs on my chest, if I even survived from all the blood I'd loose doing that.

    I notice there's tears in my eyes, I quickly wipe them away whispering to myself "fucking girly loser" to myself. I turn away from the mirror so I wont have to look at myself anymore, I quickly pull of my PJ shirt and pull on my chest binder and the T-Shirt. Turns out it's the one I got from my best friend Alex, it's white with a black skull on the front of it. I then pull off my boxers and put on the clean pair, my socks, then my jeans. After getting completely dressed I turn back towards the mirror so I can see myself. My hair is pretty neat, doesn't need anything done to it, it's a little to short for it to actually need to be fixed. I grab my toothbrush and my toothbrush and start brushing my teeth. Two and a half minutes later I finish and rinse my mouth quietly. I just stand there then staring at myself in the mirror, the house is extremely quiet. I check my phone quickly, it's 6:20, my mom is either asleep because she doesn't work until 8:30 or she had to go to work around 5:20. Those are the only two times she ever goes to work, there's no in between. She usually gets home before I do because after school my friends and I go out and mess around.

     I go back to looking at myself in the mirror. The house is so quiet, the only things that can be heard is the sounds of cars passing by outside, my dog barking at the cars outside, and my breathing. I take a deep breath and open the drawer to the counter in my bathroom. There's only a few things in it, a harness, a packer, and a few blades. I stare at the contents of the drawer. I pull out my harness and packer, but leave the drawer open. I pull back down my pants and boxers and put the harness on strap the packer onto it. When I pull my boxers and jeans back up I look in the mirror and adjust the packer so it looks more natural and so it doesn't look like I have a boner. I smile at myself slightly in the mirror, I look more like all the other guys in my grade, not very much but close enough. I pass most of the time since everyone here only known me as Adam Hartish.

   My mom and I moved here once I recovered from the beating my step dad did to me when I came out. We used to live in Oklahoma but we moved to Maryland, where my moms best friend lives. She has a son, though he was born male but their pretty opened minded. My mom moved in right down the street from them. I wasn't going to ever tell Alex, he found out though, he walked into my room once without knocking and I was in the middle of putting my binder on and he figured it out. He freaked out a little at first but his and my mom explained everything to him and then he didn't seem to care anymore. He treats me the same as he did before he found out that I was FTM. He's really awesome, if I was gay I'd date him, but I'm straight, I like girls. 

   I don't know many people, since we just moved here, we moved here three weeks before school started again. This is only the third week of school though so I haven't met many new people. I only really know Alex and his friends, I just joined his group of friends. It consist of

Alex: short brown hair, hazel eyes, size 00 gauged ears, "hipster/skater", pansexual, really into books

Brian: blonde hair that frames his face, anime freak, green eyes, no piercings, extremely smart

Liam: dyed black "emo" hair, brown eyes, obsessed with death, bi polar, loves music, gothic

Faith: blue eyes, short red hair, extremely smart, religious, open minded, Liam's girlfriend

   Liam is the only one that's dating seriously. Brain has a different girl every two days, so there's girls coming and going. Alex said he doesn't plan on dating this year so he might not get a boyfriend or girlfriend. I just haven't met anyone, though I'm sure no one will want me once they find out that I'm Transgendered. I don't really think I want to date anyone though, the thought of a girl finding out about that then saying they don't like me anymore then telling everyone scares the shit out of me. There's also that I don't really want to have to explain it to new people. It's just to much work. I'm not sure if it's worth telling anyone, even if it means being single until I get the surgeries or until I'm at least out of school..