Stay Gold - [WATTY'S 2017]

Chapter One

"It's kind of like a game. Running around and kind of hoping for the best, I guess."

Life is sort of like a train, it keeps going and you can hop off at different stops, go and get a bite to eat, hop back on, make friends... until the railroad tracks just go to an end. Sometimes people don't get back on the train, but I guess that's life.

I've always been facinated with trains, does that sound weird? I love the fact of being able to partially control where you're going. You can chose the direction, but not the tunnel or path, you never know what you're going to see, and I guess I like that.

Other than trains, I've always been in love with the color green. Just the color. The color green, it's a very nature-friendly color, and I love that. Being outside is like an escape, not only are there green trees, but there are so many flowers and plants that are just incredible to look at.

But it's truly such a shame I can't go out anymore.

☾☆☽ 

I changed out of my teal-toothpaste colored hospital gown carefully by myself, being in the same one of those for a few days is not fun, trust me. I slipped on another one of the uncomfortable 'rags', a salmon color this time. I went to stand up and put on my slippers that my mother had gotten me a few years back. They still fit for some odd reason, it was probably because I haven't grown since I've gotten sick all that much, but I learned not to question the little things in life. There was so many things that were worse, and the fitting of some old slippers wasn't that important.

Slipping on the matted cotton-ball of practically socks, I made my way out of hospital 'cubical', walking slowly, one hand on my medicine IV rack and the other in front me slightly in case I collapsed again. I'm taking chemotherapy in the form of Intravenously, which is taking in my so called medicine through my veins. I had gotten my second dose of chemo this week an hour or so ago, so I had to take this metal rack with me down to breakfast. The nurses always find a way to make my life more difficult.

As usual, I was greeted by the Nurse that sometimes came and checked on me, flashing me the off-white crooked smile that I was used too. I don't really understand why anyone would smile that much, but I guess you pity sick children and expect them to be depressed. That stereotype has always bothered me. I'm weak, not depressed. I'm dying, not dead. There's a prominent difference.

I just nodded and weakly smiled, running my hand over the top of my head as I quickly looked away, grimacing in the kink in my neck. It was quite common to get those when you specifically couldn't sleep on a side of your head. They had just taken out the direct placement chemotherapy since it wasn't working out under my head. IV's were the next best idea.

The receptionists also gave me a nod, them being dressed much nicer than the nurses in smocks,  pant suits with slicked back ponytails, a nude shade of lipstick but nothing too much, this was a children's hospital after all, I guess.

I waved and put my hand down at my side. This was my daily routine for the past couple of months: wake up, change, walk down carefully (not to fast to where I'd knock over my IV stand and have the living death sucked out of me) and go down to the cafeteria for the daily plan.

All of the nurses, well, around 3/4 of them that I saw daily, had green eyes. Too be honest, I envied that. Green just reminded me of being outside, which is where I'm never allowed to go. Sitting at the window every night, the shades of the sunset taunting me as they shifted, the time passing by. It was also sad because I couldn't go on train rides with my parents anymore. We used to go and hit every stop just to see what was there, what changed, and taste every kind of street vender food that we could find.

But then I got sick... and my mother checked me into the hospital, which sent me to another, and eventually I ended up here. Most of the patients were kids around my age, some older, some younger, who had the same illness or variety as me.

My fascination with the color green had surprisingly gotten me in trouble. Well, not exactly trouble, but I've had some... issues... with it. I've developed an obsession with it. Most people say it's a phase and I'll grow out of it, but I think it's just a result of cabin fever and being trapped in an almost all-white hospital knowing I might die. I'm tired of being stuck doing childish arts and crafts to pass time which don't even turn out and watching Doctor Who re-runs.

My mother had always told me that I shouldn't be worrying about anything besides myself, being as in I can hardly do anything. But I never understood why she couldn't explain too me what was wrong, I mean, I know what's wrong, but she just is silent with the topic or will just say that she promises me I'll be okay. I want answers, not silence. But every time she ignores the topic, I bring up our old conversation.

☾☆☽ 

"Mommy.." My eight year voice let out the peep of sound, I remember laying on the first hospital bed, it was lumpy and uncomfortable to even look at.

"Lily, you'll be fine... it's just temporary for you to go here.." She said, sounding unsure. She looked past me and not at me as she spoke, glancing at me for a mere second before turning away again.

"Mommy... does this mean I'm going to die?" I asked, wide-eyed, realizing the reason why I had to go.

Her face frowned as she looked back at me. Her delicate hand lightly was placed on my shoulder. "No, it means this is going to help you get better and I wouldn't be sending you here to make you worse," she reassured, then paused. "I only want you to have the best opertunities as other children at one point, I'm only doing this out of love..." She sighed. "You'll understand when you're older, Lily."

"I am older, mom! You can tell me!" My voice went hostile and I shook her hand off of me. My energy was drained that day by just walking home from school. My breathing was off and I was always tired.

"Lily, you have cancer. Do you know what that is?" She asked, her voice stern. "It means that you have something that makes you sick and you might not get better unless I send you there! So listen to me when I say I'm going it FOR YOU!" She just stiffened for a second, standing straight up to get up from her knee and walked away, leaving me there to wonder.

I am dying...

☾☆☽

I shook my head and sighed, I had been thinking too much of it again and I was at the cafeteria. The cooks were murmuring back and forth, setting up an array of foods in sections for specific diets. Lactose-Free, vegetarian, special foods for gaining weight, it was really endless. I walked over and smiled.

"Morning, Lily," The cook with the funny red-gray hair said, pulling her hairnet closer to the front of her hairline. "The usual?" She asked, walking over to the food preparing to grab my protein shake with a side of watermelon.

"Like I can eat anything else, but yes." I confirmed, mumbling the first part. I was about to get walking to my usual table, they had an assistant that delivered it to the child but I stopped; The warning alarm went off.