Stay Gold - [WATTY'S 2017]

Chapter Five

"Having cancer affects your emotional health. A cancer diagnosis can have a huge impact on most patients, families, and caregivers. Feelings of depression, anxiety, and fear are very common and are normal responses to this life-changing experience. Many things can cause these feelings." the psychiatrist said, reading off the words from her monitor. 

I was sitting on my mom's lap while she stared at her work shoes. She was brought in and out of work after someone thought I was being suicidal. I got curious and was googling depressing quotes to see if I was going through that. I wasn't. With a huff, I look away. "I don't have depression. I'm not depressed, I'm just upset I'm cooped up all the time."

I had been locked up between hospitals for four years now, I deserved to go outside. Even more so proving my point, I have been getting better. I wasn't nearly as nauseous anymore, plus I haven't been getting my migraines in over two week.

"That's true. You are required to stay inside. But Lily, you do realize your immune system might as well be non-existant at this point." the doctor explain calmly. I nodded, my dad looked up at her and furrowed his brows. 

"Since it's not winter anymore and allergy season doesn't affect her, could we take her out on the train?" he asked.

She thought, or at least pretended to think, for a few seconds. "Sir-" she started before being cut off by my dad.

"Adam." he insisted. "Call my by my name."

She nodded again. "...Adam, the train is full of bacteria and sickness, it's a very compact part of the city's transportation. It's a risk that your daughter would have and a risk that we as a program aren't allowed to take. I'm sorry but no." she shut her binder and logged out of her user on the desktop.

"If she says she's upset from being inside all the time, don't you think that's a sign that something in your 'program' is off?" he stated, putting his chin in his hand and gave her that serious but tame looks that I learned from him. I did it every time the faculty wouldn't allow me to have pudding after my dinner or lunch.

She have him a bit of a glare. "Sir," she exhaled, neglecting the 'I'm Adam' talk they just had. "You and your wife, Nadia, are not allowed to take her outside. Period. Are we understood?" she raised an eyebrow for confirmation.

My mother nodded, my dad just stared at the floor. "Fine." he agreed. "Her mental health doesn't matter to you, then we're not staying any longer." my dad said, walking over to my mother and picking me up and carrying me out like I was eight again. I saw a glimpse of my mother giving the psychiatrist her only look of hatred I've ever seen besides when I broke her antique lamp on accident. She soon followed my father, grabbing my hand and rubbing the back of it with her thumb while avoiding eye contact with anyone.

☾☆☽ 

"What a cold hearted b--" my father cut my mother off by jabbing her lightly in the ribs. She looked down and mumbled a "sorry" before heading back to her phone, probably responding to work emails. She tried to explain to me that working as an accountant is more work that people cut it out to be. She said it had something to do with accuracy, numbers, but she had me lost after taxes.

My father was a buffer guy, he did take out his anger or sadness as far as I'm concerned at the gym. Though, he's an 8th grade history teacher.

"Lily don't say what I say." she warned, glancing up from her phone at me. I was sitting on my windowsill looking down below at the early spring commoners. I shrugged.

"Don't have to worry." I said quietly, "I won't be a bad influence to Jacob." I promised, looking back at her. Jacob was already my trouble making little brother. Kicked out of kindergarten for hitting kids too many times, almost expelled for rigging a teacher's pen to explode in first grade, and now in second he has seemed to mellow down.

"He hasn't been here in a while, maybe he should visit tomorrow." my father chimed in, my mother nodded as if to agree. I frowned. I haven't seen my brother in a couple months, and when he did come, he just played dumb games on my iPad or took down some sticky notes.

My father looked back at the wall and read my newest quote with the purple sticky notes. "Toughness is only skin deep, the willingness to fight is what takes you home." he read aloud, think about it. A small smile formed on his slightly aged face. "Nice quote, Lils." 

I nodded. I wasn't really in the mood to talk. Not only was that doctor, if you could call her one, not letting me go outside, but she diagnosed me without even asking anything about my feelings or thoughts. What a copout of a degree.

The rest of the time my parents spent there was basically them complaining about the staff and how they don't get anything. Some bickering about groceries and who should do what occurred, but nothing more exciting than that... or at least what I didn't tune out.

☾☆☽ 

I was laying down on my bed backwards so I could see my wall perfectly clear. It was around one in the morning, but that didn't make me tired at all. I read from the left pinks, to the purple lefts. Frowning to myself, I grabbed my stuffed bear and held it close to my chest as I sighed an exhale of sadness. 

This weekend on Saturday marks the second year that Mark has been gone. I know it'll be a dramatic one, but we can only hope for Xander and his parents to do well. Xander hardly talks of his parents, like he hasn't seen them in a while.

I clear my mind of the negative thoughts before turning the right way around and getting under my quilt my grandmother made me a few years back when I first started chemo. It had my name patch worked on it with a cancer symbol, it was mostly shades of green, the most being out of this gorgeous emerald color. 

Once I tore my eyes away from it, I closed them and relaxed as my head went against the soft pillow. I tucked in my bear next to me before forcing myself to fall asleep.