Stay Gold - [WATTY'S 2017]

Chapter Four

Xander did end up coming around a few days after my parents went off on vacation. He stayed for 20 minutes, didn't really say much, he just checked in on how I was doing. He said that he was working a lot lately, not able to leave his home that often. I nodded, smiling a bit as if to hide my sadness.

Xander got up and waved a goodbye as he made his exit right as another nurse walked in. She didn't seem to be bothered by my friend leaving the room when there was supposed to be no visitors. She walked past me and over to the bathroom where she filled up a cup of water. 

The cancer was worsening. I had brain cancer if you couldn't tell, I took the IV chemo to get rid of the tumors, but it isn't helping anymore. And to everyone's surprise, it's almost the same as what happened to Xander's brother. Every day I was feeling more and more nauseous, more fatigued, like every step was taking a day of my lifespan. Of course, it wasn't, but dear god it felt like it.

The nurse, Veronica, walked back over and handed me the small cup of water. She grabbed my wrist and helped me drink it, my arms had been hurting lately. I've also noticed with my clumsy habits that everything I ran into have me some sort of bruise or bump that would last for ages.

When I first started losing my hair, it came out in chunks. I would go to brush it and I'd take out more than the brush could hold. I did take the liberty of shaving it off, which probably wasn't the best idea considering my doctors said I was getting better and I could have had at least a few patches of hair. My mom wept and wept over the fact her pretty daughter was losing the one thing she carried on from her. I did in fact look more like my dad. I had blue eyes like him, pale skin like him, freckles, the nose, you name it. Yet, I had gotten my moms brunette locks instead of my dad's blonde curls. 

I tried to convince my mom that surgery could be one of the ways to go since I didn't have hair anymore, but she insisted I wait it out. Now every morning I was waking up with more bruises, the urge to throw up, and a constant pounding headache that made me want to rip out my IV's and jab them back into my arm just to take my mind off of them.

Again, Xander never visited when my parents were there. I constantly had family visiting and maybe he didn't like that. My mom and dad never mentioned him, which is what they always did. They ignored my truths for their own temporary happiness. I missed him in all honesty. I also missed his brother, Mark, he had tried the wafers (which are like dissolvable tabs that they put in your head that let out bursts of chemo to try and get rid of the tumors), but they hadn't worked at all. By the time they realized they were working backwards and greatening the tumors, he couldn't switch over. He died a few days later. 

Xander took it tough, that's all I can say. He had told me that he tried to harm himself all the time. He told me the way he tried to sneak knives and blades around, how he tried starving himself, in the end there was only one way for him to leave. Thank god he told me he was doing alright when he visited again. I didn't need those ideas in my head, the thoughts that would flood my head of him dying. I got those every once and a while, but I was worried enough about my death, I didn't need to worry about Xander. He still visited which was nice, and his scars are all healed from what he's shown me.

My parents had gotten back from their 'vacation' without me a few weeks prior to today. My mom has stayed with me ever since on the couch or in the bed with me when I didn't have my IV, and my dad and brother would visit, too. He had basketball in the winter so someone had to take him to games and make sure his schooling was monitored. Like I said, I wasn't the only child.

My mom constantly tried to keep my happy. She would go out and get movies, my favorite sandwiches (ham and cheese), and even bought me an iPad while she was shopping one day. I didn't use it for games, I used it for quotes. I took the liberty myself to write them down on sticky notes and have Veronica or my mother help me hang them up in my room. 

I put my favorite in the middle and on green sticky notes, the ones I was iffy about in pink on the left side, and the ones I put on there for other people were in purple on the right. Swiping my finger against the screen of the iPad while Veronica went to check on another patient, I found a nice quote. 

"Those special memories of you will always bring a smile, if only I could have you back for just a little while, then we could sit and talk again just like we used to do, you always meant so very much and always will too, the fact that you are no longer here will always cause me pain, but you're forever in my heart until we meet again."

It did take up two green sticky notes a line, but I put it right above my bed with the help of my mom. She winced when she read it outlaid quietly to herself, then she smiled. Her arms wrapped around me and she kissed my temple, "We'll always remember you, Lils, even if you pass on to heaven or stay with us for a long while more."

I smiled at her to the best of my ability, but then I looked up at the words as she blabbed on. I didn't mean this about me, but that's fine. I guess it's to everyone's own interpretation. I mean, it could be about anyone.

☾☆☽ 

It finally became night and my mom sat beside me as I kept searching the "cancer quotes" in the Google search bar.

"Hey Lily?" she asked, turning around to look at me. I looked up at her as if to say 'what?' She smoothed out the bedding with her hand before continuing her sentence. "I mean, if you were to pass, what would you like at our funeral?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I want it to be outside. I don't care if it's winter," I explained. It was truly my only request. "Dress me up in green and silver and I'll be a happy dead woman however many feet underground they choose." I laughed a little, trying to ease the subject.

She nodded with a little chuckle of her own. "We have a deal." She lay down next to me and closed her eyes while I kept trying to find something else for my wall until I passed out.