Often // Attack On Titan

Chapter 12

•Eren's POV•

I couldn't believe it. Was he that stupid? I stared at Connie as he hung his head in shame.
"You're kidding." I said. He shook his head. "Seriously?" I didn't think he would stoop so low if I'm honest. Connie just nodded and continued walking. We were almost at a nearby convenience store and I shivered from the bitter cold. "Thats..." I trailed off. I couldn't think of anything better. "That's really shitty."

"I know," Connie answered, while I pulled out my phone. 6:50, not too late. The automatic doors screeched open as we entered, the smell of floor cleaner and bleach a normality. I naturally grimaced and walked through to the drinks isle. None of the shelves had been stacked yet and I just picked up two Cokes and an energy drink.

I made me way to the counter to realise that Connie had left me and was standing on the phone outside the store. I rolled my eyes and nodded (somewhat politely) to the cashier. He took no notice of me and I looked back over to Connie - who seemed agitated. He was starting to be really desperate now; I still couldn't believe what he'd done.

I thrust the coke into his hands and he mumbled a thanks, after which we stayed in silence. I was pissed - so I couldn't imagine how Sasha was feeling.
"So what are you gonna do?" I sighed, popping open my own can and taking a sip. He shrugged.
"What could I possibly do to make anything better? I can't. I could say sorry a million times but it wouldn't change anything." I watched him check his phone and sigh. His eyebrows fell in disappointment and I couldn't help the little bit of sympathy I felt. Connie was still one of my closest friends - even if he made fucked up choices like so. "I don't think I can fix this one."

[...]

When I arrived back home, everything was black. The sky, the house and all was empty except my thoughts. I unlocked the door with my key and kicked off my shoes into the corner of the hallway. As I shut the door, a piece of paper detached itself from the wood and fell to my feet.

Eren, I've gone to visit your father for the evening and won't be back for a few hours. Behave yourself. -Mother

I crumpled up the paper and shoved it inside my trouser pocket. The familiar beep of the home phone rang from the living room and after dropping my school bag, I entered the room to listen to the missed call. My mother clearly hadn't been home for hours, the house was completely freezing and the heating was shut off. Great. I pressed the grey button of the machine and listened with the phone pressed against my ear.

"One new message," It chimed. I leant against the wall. "Today at 6:45 pm:" My free hand was occupied by my hair, which I brushed through with my fingers and brought backwards onto the top of my head. I shivered, still cold. There was a gap before the message played.

"Eren, I'm sorry but I can't get to t-" I frowned, the next message already started playing. The first seemed as though it were from an old man, older than my father at least. The next was from the hospital.

"Hello, its Kate from the reception. I'm calling to speak with Eren. As a hospital we have to inform you that Mr Arlert ha-" it cut off again. My heart started to race. Has what, died? My breathing became irregular as I began to panic and I dropped the phone back onto the stand.

I couldn't control the shaking. Opening the door, putting on my shoes, forcing my key in the lock - I couldn't do anything. Unwanted tears streamed down my trembling face and over my lips. I left the house without leaving a note for my mother. 

I was too late, right? I had no reason to be calm at all; my best friend was most likely dead, his grandfather (I assumed) couldn't get to the hospital and had to call me instead, and my mother was out of town. I sprinted out into the cold and yanked my bike free from the gate. My knuckles were white around the handles and the rubber from the grip came off in my hands as I rode. I don't think that I had ever got anywhere faster than I did that night, within minutes it was in sight.

My mind was broken. It had no organisation, my thoughts completely mashed up and circulating. I was completely pessimistic and the same phrase was stuck in my head - he's dead. After all those years of friendship and after all my assumptions that he would get better, my world was starting to come crashing back down on me. I could hardly breathe, the weight of the situation was too strong and I was too weak. I'd pushed away half of my friends and who was going to help me shoulder that? I didn't care what his grandfather said; ultimately it was my fault. If I was a better friend he would have turned to me, not to blades and pills. Not to the idea of suicide. I couldn't take it.

I bit on my lip as I followed up the gravel pathway, hopping off and leaving my bike far from the locks. I lost my breath running into the building. The warm air hit me as the doors opened and I was greeted by a really loud reception. Kate shouted my name when she saw me but I didn't stop or listen, I was focused on getting to that ward. 

There were machines and carts of equipment strewn through the corridor when I arrived and I almost fell into the door. As soon as I reached for the handle I stopped crying. I could hear voices from inside, shouting frantically. That's when I really lost all thoughts of guilt and I knew he was dying. I couldn't even open the door. I became aware of everything. Every voice calling out, every machine beeping, every shoe squeaking against the linoleum. Every inch of me that was begging to hold his hand as he took his last breath. Every second I was wasting and every second he was still alive. 

Every voice telling me not to move.