The Sun And The Stars •completed•

Carry Your Heart

Phoebe had been watching for almost ten minutes before she remembered Eli. It was so spectacular, the display of shooting stars just outside her window. She hopped off of her creaky bed and tiptoed over to Eli's room, trying not to alert her parents, who were quiet for once. 

As quietly as she could, Phoebe shut the door behind her. Eli didn't stir, as he was in a completely different head space. Having had a prime beating for the whole counselor debacle, he lay curled up on his bed, staring at his bookshelf. 

"Eli!" Phoebe shout-whispered, running and sitting on the edge of his bed. 

"Go away, Pheebs." Eli said in his very small voice, a voice he only had when he was especially sad, Phoebe knew. She huffed, walked around his bed, and threw his curtains open. "Look, shooting stars." She whispered, giving Eli a poke on the arm. Eli winced at the unexpected contact and slowly sat up. 

Sitting on the very edge of his bed, he could see them. Just outside his window, the stars seemed to fly across the night sky. He stared in awe, and Phoebe smiled. A part of her wanted to wake her parents to show them too, but the rest of her knew that this wasn't that kind of family. 

The stars were starting to slow down, only a few continued to blaze trails across the sky. Phoebe kicked herself for almost forgetting. "Quick, we have to make a wish." She said, and Eli raised an eyebrow. "What's there to wish for?" 

"Well, I can't tell you that. It ruins it." Phoebe rolled her eyes and then closed them. Eli sighed and closed his eyes too, though he couldn't think of a single thing to wish for. He certainly couldn't believe that anything he wished for would come true. Even at 12, Eli knew he couldn't afford to think like that. If wishes did come true, they wouldn't for him. 

Phoebe turned towards him. "What did you wish for?"She asked in a hushed whisper, as if the wish wouldn't be ruined if no one heard. 

"More books." Eli lied. 

Phoebe rolled her eyes again, "I knew you would." She turned back to the window and craned her neck to check for more shooting stars, "That's why I made an extra wish for you." 

"What did you wish for me?" 

"I can't tell you that. It'll ruin it."

****

Audrey grabbed onto Eli's fingers and patiently waited for him to process her offer. Eli looked at the ground, then around them, and then back to Audrey's face.

She looked so soft, so hopeful. "I- um-" Eli stuttered, looking back at the floor, "I can't." He practically whispered, not wanting to see her crestfallen face.

"Why? I mean," she took a step closer to him, "I thought that it would be-"

"It would be." Eli interrupted, gulping. "You have no idea how hard it is to say no." He decided to brave it and look up at her. She faultlessly peered up at him, pink lips pressed together in concentration as she waited for him to continue. 

"I just can't keep living for other people, you know? I can't keep being completely dependent on someone else. I can't let my sanity balance on your shoulders, or anyone else."

This time Audrey looked down, staring at their intertwined hands. 

"I traded Phoebe for you." He continued, squeezing her hands tighter, "And you saved me, Audrey." She looked up again into his eyes, dark as burning coals. "You saved me." He repeated, "But I have to know I can do it alone. Do you know what I mean?"

Audrey felt like she might crumble under the crushing weight of his words. "I do." She said, smiling a closed lip smile at him, eyes glassy with tears she wouldn't let out.

She let go of his hands and rubbed her eyes. "That didn't go to plan." She joked, avoiding eye contact.

"I'm so sorry, Audrey."

Audrey shook her head and laughed a small, sad laugh. "Don't be." She looked up at his solemn expression, "It's okay." She reassured, watching his hair fall in his eyes as he looked at the floor.

"If you love something set it free, right?" She tried. Eli slowly looked up, his eyes seeming to search her face. For what, she didn't know. But, she did love the way he really looked. He saw every piece of her, every crazy, contradictory piece, and he relished all of them. 

"What?" It was said softly, quietly, he couldn't believe what he'd heard. 

Audrey felt herself flush, and swallowed. "It's something my Grandma used to say."

That wasn't an entirely false claim; the first time she'd ever heard the phrase was from her Grandma. It had been after the neighbors cat injured a poor little robin. Audrey watched her Grandma take care of the bird and nurse it back to health for days. Sometimes, she'd even get to feed it herself.

On the day they were meant to set it free, Audrey had wailed in protest. But, her Grandma had grabbed her by the shoulders, looked into her eyes, and said, "Audrey, if you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

The bird, of course, did not come back.

Eli watched Audrey's flushed face as she bit her lip and swayed a little, at a loss for words for once. He was caught in a state of perplexed bliss, and he couldn't control this emotion, this adoration. This love.

"I love you, Audrey." He let out in his quiet way. As soon as the words slipped out he was petrified.

A ghost of a smile danced on her lips. "And I love you." She said confidently.

Eli smiled wider than Audrey had ever seen him smile before.

"What does it mean?" Eli asked, and Audrey could see that he was scared again. Scared he'd said something wrong, felt something wrong.

He didn't want it to hurt, as loving often did for him. But, Audrey couldn't tell him it wouldn't. In fact, even with the brightest smile on her face and all the love in the world in her heart, she knew it would hurt.

"Trust." She said,  Curling her fingers around his wrist. "I think it means trust."

Eli looked down at his wrist with crinkled brows, "That I'll be good?"

"That you'll come back."

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings