using exclamations in my writing to make it seem more exciting.
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i've spent too many summer nights wishing i was someone else. i've spent too much damn time daydreaming my days away.
i wished and wished i could be cool and mesmerizing like the snow. as dainty as a snowflake. as delicate, too. i couldn't come to terms with the fact that some people didn't want the best for me. wanted to extinguish my self confidence like a fire- was it too bright or not at all? just a spark? was that spark in me so dangerous you felt the need to stomp it all out?
and it worked, it really did, 'cause for the longest time my insides were deteriorating like a garden compost bin. couldn't be too proud (what was there to be proud about?) couldn't seem too self assured (what was there to like?)
i felt confined. the only expressions i could openly, loudly convey were self-hate, self doubt (but nothing too loud).
well you know what?
i am done with feeling less just to make others feel more. i am done putting myself second to people who wouldn't even put me third. i am done.
i was attached to the weeds in my garden. destroying my plants, i suffocated them with love and my plants died of neglect.
you look good today (no you don't) you feel good today (no you don't) you are smart (not) kind (not enough) beautiful (not!) important (not!) and enough (not not not!!!)
the parenthesis of my inner voice was always there, always waiting for a positive thought to smother down.
i've spent the rest of my summer rebuilding what i recklessly broke down. i'm spending time trying to radiate sunshine and self-positivity and all that shit. sunflowers don't grow in the snow, after all.
i am not the winter. i do not have the tantalizing beauty or delicate nature that i, for the longest time, adored.
i am spring. leaves lost over winter grow again with me, daylight stays a little longer, and the cold dead of before starts to fade with me. dirt brown eyes that turn warm in the sunlight, dark black hair like the night sky i am everything i could ever wish for or need so you can say anything you want to me. project your own insecurities upon me, i'd do it too if i were anything like you.
but it won't matter to me because i am enough. i know i'm enough.
xoxo i really don't like you that much anymore. please don't bother me anytime soon. piss off and goodbye
