he's a portrait {frerard}

Epilogue - au revoir

It was the day after Christmas and even at this time, as early in the morning, I still couldn't stop picturing how happy Anthony looked. I did believe he was truly happy that day when he clearly got something he had wanted for a while. He said he was mostly glad to have me with him all along, even though we had to go to the graves of my parents, and even after that, we still weren't able to celebrate Christmas right. But it wouldn't have mattered what we did that day, because I would've still had Anthony by my side and I would still be happy.

I never thought he would've actually taken me to see my parents, but it turns out he did truly care about my mental health and maybe even my emotional state. And it was like I shared and even closer bond with him after he took me to see them. I even felt a bit better about myself, realising that there's no way I would've done any of those things on purpose or crashed the car without it being an accident.

Looking over at him now, I didn't see the hard shell he covered himself in of the dark facade he tried too hard to keep. Not even was he selfish; I never thought he was. Right now he was at peace, I just wish it could be like this forever, even though that's irrelevant.

I wish I could wake up every morning, sunlight shining through the dim curtains and Anthony right beside me. I smiled, taking in his black hair that swept around his face, framing it perfectly. His small nose and dainty lips that kissed me anytime I needed to know I was okay. Even his gorgeous eyes were easy to melt into, always remaining a calm aura no matter the situation. He himself (even if he refused to believe it) was beautiful and made me happy. Every day, just the way he looked and treated me brightened my spirits and let me know I was important no matter what I might have done. 

I carefully brushed his bangs off of his forehead, making sure not to wake him up. I caught sight of his wrist laying right by me and pulled the sleeve down, taking in only a few of the scars that littered his pale skin. I still found it slightly hard to understand how he could be so upset, but its just him, and sometimes you cant help change that.

I brushed my finger over the scars gently, careful not to tear any open or agitate the skin any further. They were rough and contrasted so differently, they felt different but not foreign, as if he had been doing it for a long time. Some of them you could even tell had went too deep and needed stitching. There were even smaller ones scared over one another.

I brought back my hand, deciding to get up and get properly dressed. Maybe I could go on a walk or even take the car. What would I even do if I took the car? I knew it wouldn't be like I could easily go on without recalling every visible thing of what happened. But I did need to get over it, before I let it come back too hard for me to become stable again. I decided I would go back to see my parents, maybe thinking that if I saw them enough then I wouldn't be as emotional every time they came to mind.

Before leaving I spied Anthony still asleep and as peaceful as ever. I carefully bent down, placing a soft kiss to his forehead.

"I love you," I whispered, standing back up fully and smiling at him. I knew he couldn't see and I knew he couldn't hear me right now. I just had to say it out loud. It felt right, it felt good. It felt amazing and beautiful to be in love with Anthony. He meant so much to me, and even if he might not love me back the same way, I would still never be able to be upset with him -or even angry. Because I loved him and he might not ever understand or we may never end up being together for the rest of our lives, but right now it mattered to me and it felt good to love Anthony. Right here, right now. "I love you so much."

It was honest to say I found it hard and couldn't pour myself out enough or explain how much I appreciated and loved the things he did. Whether it was a favor or something he does on his own accord. The small things or the big things -I loved them all, and they were all a part of him.

I smiled widely, finally turning back and stepping toward the door to leave. Casually walking outside, but feeling more eerie as I got closer to the car.

Cars just were never a good symbol to me. They meant wrecks, heartbreak, driving away, leaving forever... and never coming back. I slowly got into the front seat, knowing full well how to drive and where I was going.

I knew I probably wasn't the most stable, but this was good, wasn't it? It was a good thing, the right thing. Of course, there was a light snowfall, but nothing I was going to worry myself over.

I started the car, the fabric of the wheel slightly calming, yet my nerves erratic at just the thought of even pressing my foot against the gas pedal. I repeatedly hit my foot lightly on the brake pedal. My heart beat told me it was a bad idea -hell, everything was telling me this was a bad idea. But deep down, I knew it was right. I had to do this for me.

So I started driving, slowly and carefully, knowing my destination and trying to relax or even convince myself that I was actually driving again.

I was going to go see my parents and then come back. Just like that. Quick and easy.

Now, I knew Anthony had this conspiracy about things being caused by one another, that there was nothing about some miracle or something being planned out.

But why would it have happened?

Was there ever a reason for bad things to happen?

Like when glass was flying and my vision had suddenly went black.

Right there, right then.

Pain vibrating through my entire body and everywhere all over me.

Like with my parents.

Following up in my parents footsteps.

I would never be seeing Anthony again. Maybe in some over-exaggerated after life, but not now.

As I laid bloody, my eyes barely opening as bright lights flashed everywhere and the cold snow flushed pink around me.

And I could think of Anthony, and maybe finally seeing my parents.

I was thinking of how much I loved Anthony and my parents, but how much Anthony would blame himself for this.

How much I barely even regretted this moment -what I had done and everything leading up to it. Because I had purposely caused it, and there was a reason.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry how I might seem a slight but selfish to a few. Maybe Anthony.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry, Anthony. 

"I love you," I whispered to no one, only the quiet chaos around me and the blackness that slowly covered my vision.

×××

a/n: if you have any questions, feel free to ask, right here 》》                

i'll probably answer them.

au revoir : bye for now