trapdoor: finish this waste of a life. [COMPLETED]

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"August 9.

josh, by the time you will hear this, i'm afraid i might be... gone... forever... because, i won't give you this while i'm still alive. i'm sorry. i-if i ever i give up. i... i just can't live a life like this, josh.

i... i-i just can't live with guilt anymore. i envy you. i am insecure about you... and i'm sorry.

i don't want to say any of this, but you need to know the truth. you deserve to know, josh. i...

i loved Ruby, since gradeschool.

and i saw how happy she is when she's with with. and i saw how happy you are with her too. and i love seeing you two very happy.

and i want you two to be happy, for the rest of your lives, josh. and i got jealous. i wish it was me, josh. i wish Ruby loves me the way i love her. but you're the one who made her happiest. and i love you for making her happy, josh. don't leave her, okay? don't hurt each other. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry because i can't live my life being so jealous to my bestfriend. i love him, and i should not feel this way. i love you, josh. and i can't live my life being so insecure with you. and do not leave me, okay? visit my grave as much as you can, please? i don't want to miss you. and never ever blame yourself, josh. it was me. i was weak. never leave Ruby alone. and please be there for my mom too, alright?"