Inside this cell

New beginnings

As summer slowly came to an end I couldn't help but feel the weight of the world fall from my shoulders knowing I would soon be able to leave this job that had become my living nightmare. Fortunately my boss never laid a hand on me again after he got what he must have thought he was entitled to, the prize was claimed and I was free to continue alike other staff members. I had often sat in the lunch room wondering if any of the other women had endured this sickening orientation that I had received. One would think this would be a positive solution to a negative beginning, but the shame never left me, nor did the voice in my head continuously telling me that everyone was a threat and that trust is no longer a gift I can give. My relationship with my mother dwindled and life at home was never quite the safe sanctuary that it once was. I felt closed and unable to be opened, not even with my family, and they noticed it too.
I used to lay awake in bed at night wondering why I woke up and went back to that place? Why didn't I just dig my heels in and plain refuse to step foot there again!?. I think back now and in a weird way I praise myself for that, it was an inner strength I had that I didn't recognise. I believed I was weak then, too scared, not able to identify my worth. Now I can see it was something bigger, I was able to look hate in the eyes on a daily basis and continue to achieve tasks, I can't help but think that was the beginning of what created who I am now and why I am where I am now. My last shift was elation, wrapped with euphoria! The smile literally couldn't be wiped from my face. My mother had noticed this change and embraced every moment of it, and I allowed it, again because nothing was bringing me down. On our way home after picking me up we went to the mall together and she let me pick outfit upon outfit of my choice for the new school year ready to begin. I can remember sitting in the food court thinking how long it had been since I felt this free, it was a beautiful feeling, motivational almost, as though I knew this next year was my year to own. We got back home from an exhausting but soul cleansing shopping mania and I decided to call my good friend Ronnie.

It was a Friday night, the air was warm and I knew I had to utilise what days/hours/minutes were left of this summer before we went back to school. Ronnie was going to a party this particular night and like the good friend he is wouldn't accept no from me after the invitation from him to join was given. I admit I was slightly anxious, excited, but filled with this bizarre combination of nerves and adrenalin. Of course I accepted the invite, and desperately scrambled through my wardrobe to find whatever it was I was looking for. An outfit for a group of people I didn't know, a place I hadn't been before, and a style that didn't exist for me.
I tell my mother I am off to my best friend Ally's house, that her parents are having pizza and a movie night to celebrate the last week of summer before school goes back, of course she so eloquently grants me visitation and a farewell that is so innocent, knowing myself I am so guilty.
Ronnie meets me around the corner, I just slip in his car, ' what are you wearing?' he says in a revolted tone, ' do you believe I would have ever been aloud to visit Ally in any attire other than this?' I blatantly swelled at him. Layer by layer I remove fabric of cotton longline shirts, woollen cardigan, your typical A+ student, good Christian girl outfit. Revealing a side that really was who I am, a confused about life, modern feminist, antagonistic toward authority and a hopeless poet who read more books versus experiencing life. I was a jeans and T-shirt type of girl, and with a acid washed band T, and ripped jeans, Ronnie accepted this outfit to be of standards that he could tolerate. We began driving to destination unknown, ' You wont just ditch me when we get there will you' , I had anxiety peaking, ' Just relax! Your expecting the worst, your setting yourself up for a shit night', He was right.. I needed to just reset and go in with a completely blank frame of mind.

We pull up in a street lined with overgrown trees on the curb, I can't gather what kind of neighbourhood this is by the dimly lit streets. I see people crossing the street rowdy already, knowing they wont make to see midnight. We edge closer, Ronnie answers his phone ' Yeah mate, we're just out the front coming in now, I'll meet you inside'. My stomach drops instantly, I just know we will split at some point, I have to get my head in the game. I can hear my own thoughts, how pathetic I sound, I'm freaking myself out over something I would never have even given a second thought to. I'm usually that girl who will dive in the deep end not knowing what's beneath, the type to always chose dare in truth or dare, but this party crippled me with fear.
The front door is already open, the music is terrible and over blaring the speakers can't even handle that level. People are yelling, stumbling, spilling all kinds of everything on the furnishing, yes I noticed this. We walk towards the kitchen, bottles of opened spirits everywhere, sliced lemons halves bent and juice sucked out. Beer bottles are thrown on the floor, and there's a slight stench or urine/vomit coming from somewhere that I wish to completely avoid. Ronnie throws a cup of god only knows what to me, its soft drink and something toxic, all I can think is just drink it and get this night over with.