Stuck with me

dix - may I waste your time too?

Valerie

After that, I was beginning to feel better. About myself, my friends, and everything in general. I was learning to disconnect myself from all the things that hurt me.
Billie and I were becoming close. Closer than I imagined ever wanting to be with a person, but I was surprisingly comfortable. And despite the voice in the back of my head telling me to run while I could, I ignored the instinct. I wanted this; to be close with someone after so long.
There's still times when my stomach feels like quicksand and it's about to swallow my heart whole. There's still days where I'm tempted to scream my lungs out to the point that it burns holes through my cheeks. But it never feels like that with Billie.
He makes my heart swell, like it might explode. Or bust a leak. Or float out of my body. He makes me lightheaded in the best way possible.
He let me keep his jacket. His jacket that drapes over my shoulders. It feels wrong to take it off, and most times, I find myself sleeping in it.
For once, I've been making attempt to better myself. It's exhausting to have toxicity swimming around inside you for so long. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be that person.
On days where it's hard, I have a habit of sitting down at my vanity and picking myself apart. Then I realize that's bad, and I call Billie, who can always keep a conversation going consistently. Who always makes me forget all my problems and realize that maybe it's not as bad as it seems.
Even I know the obviousness of this situation. Yes, I'm becoming infatuated, and yes, for the first time ever, I love it and am doing nothing to stop it. I'm not holding back and I'm not pushing him away, despite my urge to.
Jasper and Cam encourage me, and for the first time in a long time, I don't stop them. They make me doubt circumstance and believe in fate.
When Billie calls, I immediately pick up. I don't say hello.
"Valerie, what are you doing tonight?"
He already has me brushing out my matted hair. "Nothing in general. Why?"
"We're going to Christie Road tonight. If you're coming with, I need to know right now so I know where to meet you."
The clock, as if on cue, flickered from 9:59 to 10:00. Immediately, my decision was made.
"Meet me at the cafe on East Twelfth. Fifteen minutes," I said, a smile creeping up the corners of my face.
"Will do." 
Then, the phone had hung up seemingly by itself. I was ribboning my hair into curls at the speed of light and staining my lips with something wine colored that once belonged to my mother.
My attire consisted of jeans torn to shreds and a CBGB shirt. I didn't tell my dad I was going out that night. I never did.
It was hard sneaking out since it was raining. It wasn't pouring, but it was raining just enough to make the drain pipe hard to climb down and the beads of water collect in my hair.
East twelfth street was right around the corner from me. It came to my surprise when I saw Billie had beaten me to the lamppost infront of the cafe alongside Tre and Mike.
"Took you long enough," Tre blurted, hitting Billie playfully on the shoulder, although he was clearly not amused. "Where you goin'? This isn't a date, is it? Bill?"
As I walked up with the smirk growing on my face, I watched as Billie glared.
It soon dissolved into a half grin half smirk that I'm almost sure resembled my own. "You look, uh, nice."
I couldn't help but giggle. "Likewise."
We both stood there for a second awkwardly gazing at eachother. I couldn't look away.
"We should get going," Mike declared. Billie finally tore his eyes away from me and locked them with the concrete, beginning to walk onward.
"Mike, can you roll me a jay?" Tre panted. "Plllleeeeaaaseee? You know how tired I am."
I watched, amused, as he batted his eyelashes, and Mike just grinned at him just as entertained as me. "It can wait until we get to Christie road, dumbass."
He pouted, but it soon reverted back into a goofy grin.
Billie was paying no mind to anything, as usual. If there's one thing I've learned about him, it's that he's constantly in a different state of mind. His mind is never in his own head.
"Billie?" I interrupted.
He faced me, a sheen of dew illuminating his tar black hair under the dim streetlight. There was a childlike confusedness about his face in that moment.
I tittered, walking closer to him. He only smiled, beginning to light a cigarette. My compulsion to get him out of his daze only grew stronger.
I jumped on his back, catching him off guard, and almost sending to the ground. But he was strong and he grounded himself.
"Jeez, Val! I coulda burned you!" He said, making an attempt to set me back down on the ground.
"So what?"
He laughed. "So I'd like to not hurt you; it's kinda the last thing on my list of things to do.."
As I watched his cheeks heat up under the light of him inhaling more smoke, I slid down his back and began walking next to him again. Billie gave a strange look my way before hooking his arm around my waist and pulling me close.
The pale moonlight gave the sheet of stars above a pale, creamy glow, one that was entirely captivating my attention.
Just as I was beginning to fix my state upward, we'd took a sharp turn through the woods, which made my stomach flip (I mean, really, who's excited about walking in the woods at night?). Billie must've noticed my change in expression; his arm hugged my hip tighter.
We weren't in the woods much longer. Before I knew it, the twigs and leaves were replaced with gravel, still burning hot from all the hours of pounding sunlight, and steel train tracks.
It was isolated due to it being nighttime. Billie smiled crookedly. "Home at last."
He walked off and sat down in the gravel, sprinkling some green in a pineapple printed rolling paper, tied it off and lit it up.
My lip sunk into my teeth as I walked to him. "Hey, wiseass. What're you gonna do if a cop sees you smoking like that?"
Mike walked up, his eyes asking for the rest of the rolling papers silently. Billie handed them to him along with a baggie and he sat down with Tre.
Billie took a long drag, before exhaling and answering, "Cops don't come around here at night. And if they do, we know the escape route."
My eyebrows immediately furrowed as he passed me the joint. "And what would that be?"
"You'll know when it comes to it."
I nearly choked on the smoke out of amusement but held myself together fine. Billie always found a way to make me laugh, even if it wasn't all that funny.
His attention diverted from me to the sky as he exhaled a long stream of smoke, pointer finger directed towards the sky. "See that clusterfuck of stars right there? That's the Big Dipper."
I beamed. "Okay, one: you're high. Two: that 'clusterfuck' is a constellation. And three, that's the Little Dipper, dumbass."
He snorted. "Same difference!"
I chortled before becoming engrossed in the blanket of light overhead once again, and suddenly, I felt small. Billie handed me the jay once again, and this time, I took a long, smooth drag off of it.
"We're insignificant as shit.."
He turned to me as I continued. "... Look at us. We're pathetic. I think everyone gets so wrapped up in themselves sometimes and.. we're not all we seem to be. We're all just, well, amoebas, basically... traveling endlessly, mindlessly.."
I sighed, my eyelids closing on their own, and listened as Billie breathed out more smoke. "And yet none of us realize how small we are because we're too busy living our lives, our big huge lives with people who make us feel important. I think that's what really matters. That we don't pay attention to how tiny we are, although it's nice to remind yourself sometimes, and go on about our lives as long as we're happy."
I sniggered. "Shit, Billie. You must think about this stuff a lot, huh?"
He didn't laugh, but instead admitted, "Yeah, I do. Because everyone around us seems to think they are the center of all things wonderful and that it all revolves around them. It doesn't. They're just as small as the rest of us and I'll never let that go."
I blinked. For years I've been searching for somebody who'd thought about that.. like that, and I'd finally found it. Some people would probably assumed he was only talking like that because he was high, but it's more than that.
Billie has the type of mindset that pulls a person like me in, and I wanted to be there for it. I wasn't shoving him away.
"Tre, roll me another, willya?" He called out.
Tre shuffled around. "Oh, beej, you're out."
"What d'ya mean, 'I'm out'?" He questioned.
"When it was raining earlier some of the papers got wet," Tre frowned.
Billie's face scrunched up. "Ah, fuck. Whatever."
Mike joined in on the conversation. "I still got one left."
"Pass it here, man," Billie responded without hesitation.
There was some sort of sadness in his voice. A tired one, too. I'd noticed this whole time, his eyes were kind of sunken in and not his usual bold green, but more a foggy jade color. He wasn't looking for every excuse he could, but you could tell he really wanted to get high, and not just for fun.
It started to bother me after a while. Tre and Mike were doing their own thing, talking about whatever, and I wasn't really paying attention to their chatter in the background. But Billie started to daze off again.
"You alright?"
He flinched under my touch, not looking for pity, and took another drag off the joint before nodding. He wouldn't even look at me.
"Billie.. seriously, what's wrong?"
He smiled weakly, shaking his head. "Dunno. Just thinking. I'm alright."
He wasn't fooling anybody, especially not me. "Don't lie to me, man."
He let out a single chuckle, hearing the joking tone in my voice.
"Not to sound all angsty" he nearly snorted. "But.. Lately I just wonder if all I'm doing is wasting my time, y'know. Like, wasting my life away. Not in the sense that I always get high and sneak out at night and all that bullshit... I mean in school, n' stuff. I don't even do anything. I'm not learning. Half the shit they try to teach I can't remember within a day.. I don't want to live like that. But then.. I don't wanna be a futureless dropout..."
He went on even though he didn't need to. The point he was trying to make was clear to me. He didn't want to become a surgeon, or a mathematician or a therapist. He wanted to do music. You could even see it in his eyes when he played at Gilman or the Longview house, or even if he wasn't playing, like right now.
But that was a risk. Nobody wants to end up a beggar along the side of the street.
Yet, I didn't doubt him for a second.
"Know what I think?" I recommended. "I think you shouldn't even hold back. None of what they teach you will really matter.. I mean, obviously to do your taxes and.. well, you can teach that to yourself. If school is holding you back, you should do what you wanna do. And if anyone thinks you're just a dropout.. well, fuck 'em. I've seen you play. Billie, you can do anything you wanted."
He smiled radiantly in appreciation. "Thanks.. I mean, I still gotta think about it but.. that still means alot. I'll just have to waste my time a little longer until I figure things out."
"Well.. May I waste your time too?"
His eyes were now burning through mine, sending the smirk off my face. They were burning like he wanted something. It almost scared me.
I found myself frozen under his gaze. He moved forward, cupping my cheek in his hand, and before I could register what had happened, his lips were moving against mine.
He wasn't stopping. I wasn't asking him to.
My hand, as if on its own, found his hair and tangled itself in the mess of curls, locking itself there. He squeezed my thigh, sending a heat burning low in my stomach.
I wondered why I'd ever waited to do this. Technically, it was him who initiated the kiss, but it made me wonder why I hadn't done it instead, and sooner.
When our lips parted, I was somewhat disappointed, but didn't decide to show it. More importantly, I was breathless.
Just then, a drop of wetness hit my cheek. The rain started coming down faster than before, and a shockwave of panic went through me.
"What is it?" Billie asked.
"Shit, dude. I need to be home by morning. My dad will kill me, man."
He breathed sharply through his teeth. "Okay. I'll walk you back."
"No, it's fine. I'll go back by myself." I said.
Billie's eyebrows furrowed. "But.. Val—"
I cut him off. "Don't worry about it. I'll be fine. My house is super close, y'know. I promise I'll be okay."
His eyes were dark and worried. "You can't promise something like that."
I leant back down, my eyes searching his, and cupping his cheek, which was warm and salmon pink. "I will be okay. It's no biggie."
"I can't imagine what a guy would love to do to a teenage girl walking through rain at nighttime.."
I snorted. "I've done this before. I'll be okay, okay?"
He finally gave up, bested at the hands of me, and I smiled as the rain continued to slide down my skin.
I kissed him, my lips pressing against the pair of his own pillowy ones gently, and pulling away as I watched the water gather in his eyelashes.
"Call me in the morning, alright?" He said.
I smiled. "Yeah. I will."
So then, I waved him off and walked through the rain and back to my house. It wasn't long, and nobody was outside waiting to prey on me. Everything was fine, just as I said it would be.
Yet, I let my mind wander. Part of me was in complete disbelief that anything that happened tonight was reality. On the other hand, dreams weren't this perfect. At least not mine.
I had mild difficulty getting back up the drainpipe. But there was no plan B, and so I managed my way back up into my room.
By the time my converse came in contact with the maroon colored carpet, I was drenched. I slipped off my clothes and changed into my nightdress, ringing out my hair over my carpet. I was too tired, too happy to care.
My eyes found Billie's jacket laying on the floor. I slipped it on over my shoulders, sat down at my vanity, and wiped off the ring of black that coated both eyes along with my cherry stained lips.
That night, I lay awake for hours seriously considering every last detail that'd happened. It felt surreal. But despite that, I was content. Even if it didn't seem like any of it was reality, it was. It all happened. It's not just a figment of my imagination, and for once, my head could be put to rest.

Okay, so sorry I haven't updated or whatever. I've really been meaning to all break, and well, I finally managed to squeeze out an update (on the last day!!).
Not to mention, happy new year. I'd probably get into some cliche ass chorus of "I hope this year turns out to be good" but you don't want to hear that.
Xx, Miranda