proud. -n.h.

eight.

xNiallx

I don't know why I felt like shit. Maybe it was because I freaked out on Katie when all she's ever done for me is just be there. Maybe it was because I was a manipulator. Maybe it was because I never treated a woman with respect. And maybe, just maybe it was because of Leah. 

I didn't mean to start screaming. I didn't mean to hurt Katie in the way I did. It just gets to me sometimes. I don't know how to start. I get horrible anxiety and the stress makes it ten times worse than it already was. My job was no where close to easy and everything that was happening with me almost losing my deal was the cherry on top. 

I felt like a monster. Leah was right. I treated everyone around me like shit. I acted like they weren't worthy to be around me. I don't know why I do it. Actually that was a lie. It was because of Cara. Katie and Liam were about the only two people that knew about her. My mother never cared for meeting any of the girls I met. She was too worried about my father and this crazy dream about him coming back.

That's the real reason why I came here to New York. I hated Mullingar after she left. It's a small town so everything there reminded me of her. She was making me go crazy. I had to leave. Then my dad got in contact with me and told me he would like me to join the business with him so I packed up without telling me mum and left. 

From that moment, I changed. Something inside me snapped when I got off that plain. I became stronger. There are two types of strong. There's fake strong and true strong. Fake strong is where something horrible happens to you so you ignore it all. You pretend like it never happened and you shove all of the memories and pain to the side to continue on with your life. You're confidence plumits but that makes you work harder and become more determined. It makes you want to be someone. To do something important. The sad part of it all is, you will always be broken, calling out for someone to help you. But no one can hear you.

Then there was true strong. True strong is where you process everything that has happened to you. You use all of that pain and hurt to become better and stronger. You might be constantly reminded of the past but that only gives you motivation to do better. Over time you heal and you might not be perfect and there might be a scar or two but you will become more confident and stronger than ever. 

I was sadly fake strong. I never processed what happened between Cara and I. I never tried to learn how to heal from it and that's what hurt me the most. I've hurt so many people just because I couldn't deal with my own feelings. 

I think I was finally ready to heal. I was finally ready to move on and help myself. The only problem is that I didn't know how. I didn't know where to start. 

"Niall, its 10:30. What are you still doin here?" I shook myself from my thoughts to see Liam leaning up against my doorway.

"I have a lot to think about." I said leaning back in my swivel chair. Liam walked in and over to a table against the wall that was set up with whiskey, scotch, and many other intoxicating drinks.

"May I?" He asked. I gave him a simple nod as he turned around and fixed himself a drink.

"Is this about Cara?" He asked. Liam knew me better than anyone I've ever known. He could tell what I was thinking about without me even telling him. I swear if I didn't know any better I would've thought he had a sixth sense.

"I think I'm ready to process it all." I said. Liam nearly spit out his drink once I finished my sentence.

"Are you okay?" He asked setting his glass of whiskey on my desk.