Falling Too (Joshler)

18

*TW for mentions of suicide, self harm and mental illness. If you don't feel comfortable or safe reading this you can message me to know what happened*

Tyler's heart thumped violently against his rips. This is it. This is exactly what he'd been waiting weeks for. So why was he so goddamn nervous?

He exhaled a shaky breath before getting out of his car. He could do this. He quickly made his way to Josh's front door and knocked. He didn't expect Josh to answer the door as soon as he did. But the Josh that stood before Tyler almost seemed like a completely different person. He looked paler, almost sickly. Dark bags were now prominent under his eyes and his cheeks looked hollow. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept in days, tired didn't even seem like the right word, more like exhausted. But most of all he looked like he was dying. "Josh," Tyler's voice was nearly a whisper.

Tyler's new found confidence in himself quickly dissipated, leaving him left with a feeling of utter desolation. Josh looked horrible and he couldn't help but blame himself. He didn't come to Josh's sooner. He didn't try to talk to Josh about anything like this. This was his fault. Tyler's breathing quickened at the thoughts and he suddenly wished he hadn't come.

Josh smiled but it wasn't his same smile. It was different, it had an element of sadness that wasn't present before. "Hey Ty, you want to come in?" Tyler nodded, stepping in. He gave Mrs. Dun a smile and wave before following Josh up the stairs. She still had a hint of sadness behind her smile but she looked better than she did a week ago.

Tyler was reminded of the first time he was in Josh's room. It was when really felt like he knew Josh. Hell, he'd seen Josh cry that day. But this wasn't like the first time Tyler was here; this time it was his turn to cry. He could feel all the emotion building up in himself but his attempts to suppress the tears were to no avail and tears started to stream down his cheeks. Every time he looked at Josh's facade he was reminded of their shitty situation.

Josh was quick to wrap Tyler in his arms trying to comfort him. He still had the same calming effect on Tyler, causing him to nearly melt into the touch. Josh carded his fingers through Tyler's hair while whispering soft reassurances into his ear. Once Tyler had calmed down the two stood in a comfortable silence until it was broken by a small laugh from Tyler. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be the one crying right now."

Josh pulled away to look Tyler in the eyes. He had a more serious quality to his tone that brought an invisible weight on the situation. "Tyler, it's okay to cry. Do you remember what you told me a few months ago?" Tyler shook his head, continuing to stare at Josh. "You told me that it's okay not to be okay. You don't need to be strong just because..." Josh trailed off, not really sure he was ready to say it. No, not yet.

Tyler nodded. "I know but I just can't stand the thought that everything is my fault. That if I ju-"

He was cut off by Josh, his face masked by a surprised expression. "Wait, you think this is your fault?" His surprised expression turned into a sad, sympathetic one that he recognized all to well from the past weeks. "Oh Ty, I can't believe you've been blaming yourself and beating yourself up over this. It isn't your fault. Sit down." He said, lightly patting the bed next to him. Tyler sat down and Josh pulled him close into a tight embrace.

There was a short silence before Josh spoke again. "There are some things I haven't told you but I think you deserve to know them now. I mean if you want." Tyler nodded against his chest and Josh inhaled a shaky breath before continuing. "So a year ago there was this really cool party happening on the other side of town. Everyone was going to be there and my brother Jordan and I were really excited about it. So we asked our parents if we could go and of course they said no because what responsible parent lets their kids go to some crazy party on the other side of town? But we were teenagers and we just thought they were being overprotective and annoying, so I suggested that we sneak out and go to the party. Jordan agreed so that night we snuck out but God we shouldn't have" Josh paused and took a few reassuring breaths. "So we're driving there, it's dark as hell out because it's the middle of the night in January and we hit a patch of black ice. Jordan was a good driver but it's black ice, you can't really do anything. So we slid and he lost control and we hit this massive tree on the side of the road. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed, I had a broken arm, concussion and a dead brother."

"Josh," Tyler started but was cut off with a quiet shush. They sat in silence again for what felt like years to Tyler.

"I've always blamed myself. It was my idea to sneak out, it was my fault he died. It really messed me up, all the sadness and guilt and anger playing in a constant loop through my brain. I wouldn't talk to anyone about it for months. I think my parents kind of hated me for a little while after that. I killed their oldest son, Jordan had already been accepted to his dream school, he had friends and he was popular, he had his life all mapped out and I took that away." Josh looked even sadder as he continued. "I didn't know what to do. I felt like everyone hated me after that and I started self harming as a fucked up way to cope. I didn't have to talk about it and I thought it helped. But really I was just getting worse. I wasn't really eating, I gave up on school and my friends, I didn't even bother to get out of bed some days. Eventually my parents came to terms with everything and they started to realize I wasn't okay. They took me to doctors that gave me useless pills and therapists that just made me more depressed and at some point I decided I'd just fake happiness. Couldn't be that hard right? People do it all the time. So I did. I told them I was better, I told myself I was better even though I knew the truth. I thought everything would be better once things were calm again but I think it was worse. I was suppressing everything and I was hurting myself to help ease the pain but I wasn't helping, I was just creating more and more hurt for myself by living this lie. Then it was the anniversary of his death and I asked myself what the hell I was doing, I told myself I was pathetic and that I was better off dead. So I decided to feed the desires of the voices and I took a bunch of pills. My mom found me. I think that really fucked her up, it probably would have been easier if she found me dead..."

Josh was definitely crying now. Tyler tried his best to comfort him but his brain was still stirring all the information together and he was afraid he'd match Josh's breakdown any moment. "Josh," he nearly whispered. His tone was drenched in sympathy. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. But we'll get through it. I'll help you get through it. It'll be okay, I promi-"

"Tyler," Josh started. Tears still ran steadily down his cheeks. "I'm not okay. I probably won't ever be completely okay and right now I need to take some time to get to a better place. I don't want to bring you into this like that. You don't deserve to get hurt like that."

"Josh, I don't care. You can hurt me. I can fix it, I can fix you." Tyler whispered nervously.

Josh shook his head with a sad smile. "No, I love you okay? I love you so much but this is for the best. You may not realize it now but it is."

"Josh" He said so quietly it could barely be heard. Now they were both crying. Josh wrapped his arms back around Tyler as they cried.

~~~~~~~~~~

This got really long and really dark and I'm so sorry.

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