Little Shy Ariel (ft. Harry Styles)

Chapter 5 - Try

Chapter 5 - Try

After breakfast is the usual routine. I go to the crops, I greet father and smile awkwardly at Timmy, then take the vegetables to the centre and come back. But I’m hyperaware of everything I do and by everything I mean the lack of communication. Sure thing, being shy has always bothered me at some level, the fact that I don’t really have friends and I can’t even try to make new ones. But today… today is worse. Today I think of how even the people who know me don’t try to speak to me because they know I can’t utter an answer without stuttering and sweating. They gave up on me just like I gave up on myself, in that matter at least.

Let’s take the example of Timmy. We’ve ‘known’ each other for almost a year but I don’t think we’ve said a word to each other. Just smiles. He has never tried to make me talk, he just accepted it. He just smiles at me as a greeting and that’s all the communication between us. An awkward yet polite smile.

My dad talks to me but he’s done that since I was born. He talked to me even when I couldn’t hold my own head. It’s not hard to talk to him or my sisters because I’ve known them all my life, but strangers… I just paralyse.

And that annoys me so much right now because there are so many people that I could talk to, people I could meet, friends I could make… but I can’t even hope to speak up my mind. And I have so many things to say, so many ideas and thoughts. But I can’t. I can’t even imagine myself talking to a stranger.

I can write everything I feel and want to say, and make music with those words. I’ve written so many songs but with whom can I share those things? Is it of any use if no one else hears my thoughts whilst I sing them?

I wish I could close my eyes and pretend no one is around, that I’m alone and just speak… but I’m always aware of their presence.

I don’t know why I’m so scared, because I think it’s being scared. I know they won’t hurt me but there’s something about having people’s eyes on me that makes me so nervous. My heart starts racing and my palms sweat. I remember the first time I had to deal with new people in my life and how scared I was. Dad kept telling me that it was going to be okay, that I was going to make friends and have a great time but it didn’t happen like that.

The first thing I saw when I was walking inside the school, holding my dad’s hand because I was shaking already, was some older kids mocking and laughing another poor kid. I never saw them again, but I was terrified that it would happen to me. Then I was introduced to my class and everyone was staring at me and I felt like the whole world was watching me, like they all were expecting me to do something embarrassing and they would laugh at me.

I remember the feeling, I had it the whole year. I had it every time someone tried to talk to me. I still feel it. That panic that something will happen, that I’ll make a fool of myself and that person will laugh at me slash hate me.

The rational part of me tells me that it’s silly of me to feel like that, but try to tell that to the rest of me. To my body and that choking feeling that I’m drowning in front of someone but that person will only let me sink. And these are waters I can’t swim.

And today I remember that day even more clearly and I wish things would be different and I know it’s partly because of Harry, because I can’t dare to speak to him or anyone. I could meet so many artists that I admire, I have the opportunity, yet I’m losing it every time. Because I’m shy.

I spend many hours in my room, with my guitar, composing. Creating a new song that would help me to channel these feelings I keep bottled inside. I work really hard and I actually get a song that I like about not being able to reach out for help. Of drowning and being all alone. But by the time I finish the song, I don’t feel that much better. I still feel somehow… angry. And the worst part is that I don’t have anyone but my dad. All my sisters are gone and I’m the only one left here. My sisters would always make me open up. When I came back from school they would force me to tell them everything. But I don’t have them now and I don’t really feel like telling these things to dad. Even if he’s a really understanding man, I don’t think he could really help me.