L'appel du vide [frerard]

Chapter 3- Blood

I am a graveyard.

engraved on my skin.

And truly that is how I felt.

I felt dead, forgotten, and a bit creepy in fact.

I had stayed up all night thinking of him.

And that had been the first night, I dreamt of Gerard Way.

It had been a crazy dream that consisted of innocently holding his hand and walking through the woods. The second night I had dreamt of him, things escalated quickly and I was kissing him hard.

I woke up terrified and sweaty that night. I felt gross and I felt embarrassed at my own unconscious thoughts. It wasn't that I was scared of Gerard himself; I was scared of the things that I had started feeling towards Gerard. It had started as admiration. Simple admiration for a man perhaps a year older that my self because let's face it, the guy's a genius (as I have expressed before). But when had it turned from admiration to his mind and into attraction for his physical looks? I couldn't be sure. The lines between love and friendship where blurred right at this moment. But could I even consider Gerard my friend? I had completely freaked out on him, which meant I was probably never going to see him again. 

I had avoided looking for him these past two days. And it was hell. If someone had asked me what hell felt like I would reply with "Not seeing Gerard." God I sounded like such a teenage girl. It had been two days and I was already mopping. It's not like Gerard had been my boyfriend or even a one time fling. There was a part of me that was disgusted by the thought of that, but there was also another part- a much stronger part- that had a craving for his lips on mine. 

I wasn't gay. I couldn't be. I didn't want to be. I don't particularly have anything against gays, and I'm perfectly okay with them. But it's different when it's happening to you. I felt like a freak. I didn't want to admit it- I couldn't admit it. But as much as I tried to deny it, my body knew. I had no control anymore over my flesh and blood. It had thoughts of it's own and a set idea that was too late to change its mind on. I liked Gerard. Fuck, I really liked Gerard. So I sat on my bed in the dark and started to cry. A small whimper which transformed into full on sobs, cursing at myself for being so stupid and fooling. Gerard could never love me and I knew that. I wasn't sure of Gerard's sexuality but even if he was gay there was no chance between me and him. I was just a naive little boy and he was a glorious man. 

And even though all these thoughts where lingering through my brain, only one was louder that all the others.

I needed to find Gerard. 

I got up and raced to the woods right to the peak he had showed me. I sat down with my feet dangling down the edge. I closed my eyes for a second; just taking everything in. I breathed heavily in and out, waiting. But waiting for what? Gerard. The answer was clear. Did I really think Gerard would be here this late at night just waiting for me to show up after two days. Wow I was pathetic. Suddenly I heard the rustling of the wind hit the trees and the leaves began to blow in all different directions. It started to get a bit chilly and I was about to leave disappointed and ashamed, but that's when I heard footsteps. Not just one set of feet, but two. Running. Getting faster and faster. Closer and closer. My body froze in it's place and my heart began to pound as fast as it could, up to a point where I thought it would implode. Suddenly the wind got knocked out of me and I was straddled on the floor. I didn't dare to open my eyes. All I heard was a mocking laughter of a woman then followed by a man. 

"Hey, there little fella, what are you doing here so late?" The woman spoke first. 

I close my eyes harder, refusing to open them and shook my head violently. "Look at me!" she commanded as she took her hand and placed it lightly under my chin lifting my head. It was quite the awkward position considering I had gone into some form of an armadillo pose. "I said, open your eyes and look at me!" She spoke a bit louder this time, demanding I do as I'm told. I shook my head again begging for her to leave me alone. As you can tell I'm completely useless in these kinds of situations. I'm a man; I should be the one pinning her down and threatening her. I should be having the upper hand here. But of course I didn't, just like I never did. I was a coward and I didn't know how to fend for myself, led alone throw a punch. So I pathetically wrapped my arms around myself, praying to something that someone would come and save me. At that moment she became very annoyed with me for not cooperating and slapped my hard across the face