My Beautiful One

30. One step ahead

It was four days after I'd last seen Sebastian that his letters started arriving.

It was always two letters; one for the Clave and one just for me. Not that any of the letters did anything to help; the ones to the Clave were just taunts, each one more rude and insulting than the last, and the ones to me were these creepy little persuasions.

The Clave read both, of course, even though they were so short you could barely even call them letters, and the ones addressed to me had nothing to do with the war. I would have been embarrassed that the highest authority in the Shadow World was poring over my love letters, but more than anything, they sickened me.

You look beautiful when you're asleep. One had said. All I could think was that I was scared of him watching me as I slept.

It's hilarious when you beat Jace in combat training. 

All the better practise to fight against you.

You smiled more when you were with me. 

The only reason I'm not smiling right now is because of you.

Every morning, I'd wake up to find his newest letter for me at the foot of my bed. I'd stuff the thing, unread, into my jacket, get dressed, and then meet the Lightwoods for breakfast. Before we ate, they would read me their letter, which could be found every morning on Maryse's desk, and I would read mine. Later in the day, both letters would be portalled off to Idris for examination by the Clave.

And so there I was, sitting in my usual spot between Jace and Isabelle and opposite Alec, my expression tightly controlled as Jonathan Morgenstern's fifth letter was unfolded and read out by Isabelle.

"Dear New York Institute," She read, "if to love is to destroy, then I love you all. So, so much. Why don't we just get married? To Hell with monogamy if we're all going to die anyway. Well, you are. I'm not. Frankly, I'd just give up if I were you; I've heard Heaven is really nice about this time of year." Isabelle gave a sharp, frustrated exhale, and threw the letter down on the table. "From Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern."

Jace picked it up, turned it over, and then discarded it again. He then put his head in his hands, his elbows on the table, and heaved a great, shuddering sigh.

It was another day without Clary. Another day of training and reading and research into anything that could possibly help us in the war, all the while feeling miserable. And I just felt even worse, because the letter I had to contribute was probably even more useless than the one Isabelle had just read out.

I stood up, took the letter out of my pocket, unfolded it, and began to read.

"Dear Amari," That cramped, spidery cursive was as familiar to me as my own right hand, but I forced myself to read without emotion and even pretend that this wasn't a letter from Sebastian at all, "you really need to tell the Institute to stop asking you to read our love letters. I don't think they can really appreciate them, since the only New York Institute resident other than you that knows what a good kisser I am is Clary, and she's with me at the moment."

Jace's head snapped up, his expression no longer miserable, but flat-out murderous. His hands were curled into fists, and at the mention of Clary kissing Jonathan, I heard his knuckles crack.

"There is much I would like to tell you, but I don't want you to be reading it out to the defunct Shadowhunters you are surrounded by." I continued, and realised with relief that the letter was nearly finished. "From Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern."

I put the letter at the center of the table, and sat down. There was a moment of silence as everybody stared at the two letters, clearly wrapped in their own thoughts. But that moment ended all in one big burst of frustrated conversation, with angry words being traded from all around the table. I didn't join in, however, because I had thoughts of my own to attend to.

How does he know all of this? I thought, watching Alec and Isabelle in their tense conversation, but not listening. How does he know that we have these meetings in the morning? That I wait until the whole Institute is available to listen before I read his letters? That I sometimes beat Jace in combat training? That I smiled more when I was with him?

But I just didn't know, and I bet that how Sebastian could possibly know all this was what everybody was talking about. They carried on, voices raising to a point that it was more like an argument, and I shrank back into my seat. I wanted to help, wanted to contribute to the cause, but the conversation had started to move to darker topics, and every time somebody suggested some horrible new way to kill Sebastian, or trap him, or torture him, it felt like a dagger slice to my heart.

"We just have no clue!" Shouted Jace, rising abruptly. The force of it knocked his chair over, and the crash echoed through the suddenly silent room. Everybody was staring him, their own thoughts forgotten. "No clue. No freaking clue. Jonathan Morgenstern is always going to be one step ahead of us, just waiting for his next opportunity. First Magnus goes over to his side, then he captures Amari, and now he's got Clary! It's only a matter of time before somebody we know is going to end up dead, and then we'll just keep dropping like flies until we're all gone and the Shadow World is left without a hope."

The silence continued, as if Jace's words weighed down on the minds and hearts of everyone in the room. But as he had ranted, an idea had come into my mind, and I finally felt as if I had something to say.

I rose slowly from my chair.

"There is always hope." I said. My voice was calm and collected, as this new idea of mine, this tiny spark of hope, set my mind at peace in a way that nothing else had in the weeks I'd been back at the Institute. "Or, at least, I have hope. Each single one of us has one little way, one little advantage that nobody else does that could help in this war. I thought that my way was this... interest Jonathan Morgenstern has in me, but it turns out that I have another. It's a small advantage, but it could help nonetheless. Would you like to hear it?"

I addressed the question to Maryse, the leader of the Institute, and she nodded slowly, so I carried on. 

"My first idea was that I could go back to Jonathan Morgenstern and feed you information from where he is, but he has some kind of hold on me that's different to other people. I can't escape from his apartment, the inter-dimensional pocket he uses to travel, and therefore I'd have no means of getting this information to you. My idea, which is so blindingly obvious I can't believe I didn't think of it before, is that I still have a connection in the faerie Court who might be able to help, and what's more, this person is definitely high enough in faerie society to know everything that's going on."

Maryse's thin lips pressed together, and her blue eyes were cold and sharp as a shard of ice as she regarded me. I could see that she was thinking, considering whether she could trust me. She'd been a little hesitant around me when I'd got back to the Institute, even more so than when I first arrived and she'd stare at me like I was something under a microscope. Her mistrust was justified, I suppose, and if anyone in the Institute was the most likely suspect for a Morgenstern spy, it was me. But these were desperate times, and I was confident that even this tiny little idea would be worth a shot

"I think we should take this chance," She said, "but you must go alone."

Voices piped up in protest: Jace, Isabelle, and even Alec, but I cut in before they could get a word out.

"She's right." I said, "I have to go alone for the same reason you thought I might be useful for the original plan to get Jonathan. The whole Court knows I'm not totally faerie, but I've been around there for so long, they won't suspect anything."

"How do you know that this connection of yours won't betray you?" Asked Alec, a glint of worry in his eyes. They were exactly the same blue as his mother's, but held none of her secretiveness or that chilling coldness. His eyes were more like untroubled blue pools, honest and clear.

"I don't know," I replied, looking back at him evenly, "but I think I have a pretty good chance. It is my father after all."

Author's note: The cover for City of Heavenly Fire cover was released on 14/01/14! If you haven't seen it, then it's up as multimedia on the side. Also, I found an adorable set of drawings by Cassandra Jean online that basically sum up Sebastian's childhood. They are separate pictures and couldn't be put on one chapter, but they can be found, in order, on chapters 8, 9 & 10. If you didn't pity Sebastian before, you will after you see them...