hereafter, hereafter

small bump

dedicated to my mother. she's the bomb. 

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this is unedited 

sometimes i wonder what my mother was thinking when it came to having me. 

i mean,

why? why burden herself with a young boy that isn't even loved by his father?

and while most kids tip-toe around the subject of their parents and how they came to be, i refuse to do that. 

and then after the trouble that i was, she had two more kids. a girl and another girl.

wow this looks stupid. i realize how i'm babbling about something no one knows about. 

well my mom and dad never married but they did have three kids. once, my mom, in an attempt to get me and my father close to each other, tried to send me to germany to meet him. 

but i don't want to. i really don't. 

if you ever become a parent one day, on purpose or not, you be the best parent you can because i promise your child won't ever forget.

i never forget the way i miss my father, and how his face is a blur of pale skin and hair, empty eyes and a slightly creased forehead. how my mother, this woman, throws her affections at men with promises empiter than his eyes

i look at my sisters, isabel and evangeline, and think 'they're gonna grow up with me as the only man in their life'

and that makes me a little worried because i'm not even a man- i'm just a mess of a boy.

and lastly, out of all the thoughts that plagued me today, the most crippling one is that i myself could very easily be a father. 

see, it was an accident. isn't it always an accident nowadays? that people just do things and not care for the aftershocks? 

with the annoyingly popular term of "you only live once"? 

because i swore i would live forever and not have to deal with a plethora of problems. 

because today, alongside with one other young man,it was determined that she's expecting a boy.  

there's a 50% chance i'm that boy's father. will he have my nose? my eyes? am i even the father?

i don't know. but i do know that this other man must've thought the same things. will he have the cleft in my chin? will his eyes be brown like my own? am i even the father? 

and then her mother said "not much of a difference between you two. both young men who made a mistake."

i don't believe his conception was a mistake. afterall, it reminds me of my own. sloppy and unintentional- a close-call that went too far prompting stale, awkward silences. undetermined paternity. (i'm cryin) 

and if it does turn out that he's my son?

while his mother and i won't ever be together,

while his mother's boyfriend resents me eternally, 

while his grandmother looks down on me

i refuse to let that become anything of a barrier between me and becoming something i've always seen as a high honor

and you know what? when that baby graces this world, god willing i'm prepared, i will be a father to that boy, more than my own was ever a father to me. 

ever. 

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a/n: i just got back from the ultrasound tech's office with a certain female, her mother, and her boyfriend. made me think about a lot of things. especially my own dad. 

i sat in a fuckin bathtub and wrote this shit while listening to matangi. 

aish. send help. and alcohol.