hereafter, hereafter

suburbs

dedicated to fatima {afterthoughts}  because she is super talented and nice and we havE THE SAME BIRTHDAY :O

 unedited

i won't say the process was regrettable. 

a potential life wracked me into red-faced migraine-inducing tears on the floor of my bedroom. i remember the hot tears rolling down my face like fire, my mother not being able to comfort me. my sisters not understanding me.

i guess, that fatherhood seemed all the more appealing because it meant i could stand up my own dad. 

but things are set in motion before they can be changed, i guess. 

bidding his mother goodbye was a bittersweet parting. 

"do you wanna hold him?" 

my heart was stopping again. it was a cutting pain jolting from my chest and throughout me when the beating started back up again. 

it was me, her, and the baby alone. she offered him to me, nodding reassuringly that it was okay. 

her mother wasn't there shooting daggers, and her boyfriend had left to eat. me, her, and liam. 

she was my first love, even if it was forbidden. i knew she was something unattainable, but yet still i pushed and pushed until she gave in to me. 

and i can't apologize enough.

i was selfish, and i put a relationship in jeopardy. i put myself in the middle of something that only partly had to do with me.

yet that child isn't something i'm going to apologize for. after all, he isn't my doing.

i can only wish them luck. and that's what i did. 

i looked into his eyes, brown. he was looking up at me, cooing and grunting to himself. i offered my thumb, which he grabbed with his tiny little fingers. "hey, liam." 

he cooed, and she was watching with a small smile. "his middle name is {     }'s father's name." 

"{     }?" 

"mhmm." 

it was a good name. there was beeping outside, recognizable as none other than my own parent. "my mom is here, so i have to go." 

"i understand." she said, opening her hands to take him back. "thanks for standing by, even if it was for nothing." 

"not for nothing, really. he helped me learn about myself and mature." i gave him one last look. he was suckling at his fingers. "he's lovely." 

she nodded, stepping forward as i put him in her arms.

the constant distance between she and i was near unavoidable since that short time between us, when a controversy for the ages was hovering over us. there was a lot of things wrong with us then. but in that three second exchange where i could smell her skin and hear her breathing, i knew.

everything that happened was with purpose. i walked out that door with an experience that will most likely happen again. 

only not as a high-school drama. 

i haven't seen them since. but i'm at peace, and i know they are too.