Senseless Speculations of a Straying Girl

1 - Disturbing Thoughts

Hi everybody, this is the first re-written chapter of the book!

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What is the most disturbing thing you can think of?

There is no right nor wrong answer to this question, it could be some kind of a bug, a person, an animal, a feeling, poverty or like in my case, a disease.

Stage 3 multiple myeloma is a rare type of cancer that develops in plasma cells, which are a type of white blood cells in the human body who are supposed to fight off invading germs and infections. The cancer eventually over-take the healthy plasma cells in people with multiple myeloma and as the ratio of cancerous cells to healthy cells grows, so do the symptoms of the cancer. A cure for multiple myeloma currently doesn't exist, but they say that the treatments for this type of cancer are making progressive leaps toward a treatment that eliminates the cancer entirely. Unfortunately, my mother will be dead by then.

You may be wondering now why this particular type of disease is the most disturbing thing to me, it's not only because my mom has it but also because since my mom has it I think about it all the time. And today was no exception even though I was here, sitting among everyone else who were graduating from High School.

"Stop frowning!" Sarah, one of my best friends whispered at me, her jaws locked tightly.

"Shh!" Maggie whispered at Sarah, her jaws also tightly pressed together.

I saw principal Reynolds giving us a very stinky eye, let's just say I wasn't exactly the teachers' favorite student.

"Both of you just shut the fuck up." I told them.

I admit that I've grown rather distant to my friends and family since my mother was diagnosed with the cancer, but I decided to be selfish and think about what's best for me. I decided I would never ever become addicted to a person's company ever again. My mom and I were incredibly close, she was only sixteen when she gave birth to me and acted my age all the time. I have always kind of hated that part though because she used to go so far as crashing parties with me and my friends, without listening to my opinion on the matter of course. You can imagine how I felt when she had that breast implant and she looked hotter than me. Now? Now I want nothing more than her to be the old her again, well not old she was only 33 but you catch my drift.

My dad you ask?

I have no idea where he is and I don't really care either.

Principal Reynolds is now calling us up on the stage one by one and as I look around I see smiles and happy tears on every single face, including my mom's. My beautiful mom's face. Her straight white teeth could be seen miles and miles away and the shine in her eyes wouldn't pass a blind man.

"Hannah Mariah Matthews." The all too familiar voice of my principal calls out and I see from the corner of my eyes that my mom stand on her feet to see better over the crowd, a few men checking her out in the process, pigs.

I take that peace of paper from principal Reynolds and shake his hand, I don't know why I don't feel happier, I mean, I never have to step another foot into that school again.

Wait, scratch that, I know the reason.

I would actually go back four years and repeat every single minute of pain and suffer I have been through inside these walls. That pain I would always choose over the one I have been feeling in my chest and stomach for the past four months since mom was diagnosed.

I have thought a lot about my feelings lately and maybe it isn't pain, even though it feels like it. Maybe it's just fear. Fear of not having anyone to tell my my pants make me look fat (yes my mom tells me that and I've always hated it but now I don't want her to stop pointing it out) and fear of having to live alone in our little apartment here in Brooklyn. Fear of being alone.